Meet Virginia

This morning reminds me of...

2012-01-26T10:54:00.000-08:00

I got out of bed very slowly today. I didn't want to leave the warm covers cuddling with my little dog...but, I had ran out of things to look at on my phone. And before I fell asleep again, I had to push myself to get up. I opened the curtains to a dreary cloudy day. I made my coffee and then sat on the couch and looked out the window. It felt good to just sit there, quietly, and stare out the window. I smile thinking about all the times in my life I have sat with my coffee staring out the window. Unfortunately, most of the dreary days I started that way were also accompanied by horrible depression. Overwhelming hopelessness and dread. I have to stop and close my eyes and take a deep breath right now just thinking about it. I've come so far. So far. I'm so proud of myself and I'm so excited to be on the path I'm on. Finally, I'm on my own unique and divine path. The path that I was meant to be on. The path I was created for. It feels good. It feels peaceful and joyful. And though my body looks the same as I stare out the window in stillness, my insides feel very different. Its almost like I have finally accepted the stillness. And now I am still with a little smile on my face instead of still with tears streaming down my face. I can be still with feelings of peace and gratitude and hope. It's a very different kind of still than what I used to experience. I used to be still because I was paralyzed. Overcome with fear and dread and anxiety. And although my body was still, my insides were screaming and thrashing. *Deep breath* I have a habit of holding my breath just thinking of all of that. Thank God for my therapist. I can't believe how much I have worked through in the past year. I can't believe how far I have come. I never imagined having such peace. And joy. And really truly believing that I am perfect. Because my creator would not create anything less. And now I know that I have found my destiny. I have found my path.

Creativity: What We Were Created For

2011-08-20T20:24:00.001-07:00

"If you do not express your own original ideas, if you do not listen to your own being, you will have betrayed yourself."
-Rollo May

There is something stirring inside my soul. It feels like passion and anxious excitement, but it’s also starting to feel like a sort of important message or prophecy. You know, like there’s something really important that’s been placed inside of me that I have a responsibility to share.

Creativity is in every single one of us. We are an expression of the Creator. Our ability and urge to create is hard-wired in all of us. And if it weren’t for fear…disabling fear… surprising and brand new expressions of the Divine would flow out of all of us all the time. Many of us can’t even fathom what kind of creativity would be possible if we stopped comparing ourselves to others or stopped waiting for other people’s approval. Don’t you think Divine Creativity is bigger than that? Don’t you think it’s big enough to be expressed in an infinite amount of forms? Most adults have had the creativity pounded out of them. Don't you think it's cool how all children love to create?

There are a few things that make creativity flow easier. Creativity needs room to breathe and doesn’t happen when our lives are crammed. We need to take some time and stop obeying how everyone else says we should spend our time. Stop listening to advertising. It is telling you to be the opposite of creative. It is in the practice of being still and quiet (yet fully awake) that Divine creativity has room to express itself and give our lives purpose. Creativity happens in the letting go of control and being vulnerable.

God has brilliantly orchestrated creation to keep creating and expanding and becoming new. I have been created to find new beauty to share with the world. I have been created to make things new. I have been created to create. That Divine Spirit of creativity is in all of us begging to be paid forward. Please listen. Please obey. Please leave room. Please believe. Please let go. Please own it. You have been created to create. Please fulfill it.

Eucharisteo

2011-03-26T15:58:00.001-07:00

"Nothing here below is profane for those who know how to see." --Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

Just finished this book. I think the concepts in it may be a key component in resisting the pull of depression and keeping a firm grasp on joy. Miracles come out of giving thanks.

Bless this Mess

2010-12-28T10:35:00.000-08:00

Meal time prayer...Saying Grace...Giving thanks...Blessing the food. Or as my dad likes to say, "Bless this Mess." I think I stopped blessing the mess after I stopped sitting around the table with my family growing up. I just don't get it. Why would you ritually stop to be thankful only before a meal? Why don't we make it a ritual stop and say thanks before we pay our mortgage payment, or before we drive anywhere?

I've always thought it to be much more meaningful to look the cook in the eye and say "thank you" instead of passively thanking God for "the hands that prepared it." That borderlines rude. And then there are those people who make prayer sermons, preaching to those around the table and many times completely forgetting to even mention the food.

I don't think that food requires a blessing. If we're eating real food, it's already blessed. I'm not so sure about processed or artificial food, but real live plants and animals would not be alive if they were not blessed. If we ask God to bless a meal completely void of real food or nutrition, will it become healthy when we eat it? Is God obligated to make the food nourish our bodies?

Meal prayers are so weird. And yet in Christian circles, it's considered near blaspheme to put food near your mouth without stopping to perform this ritual. How dare we be so ungrateful.

I just recently read two of Michael Pollan's books, "Omnivore's Dilemma" and "In Defense of Food." I found them to be excellent books. I now feel properly informed and educated about my food, without being coerced into feeling like a horrible person or be consumed with guilt every time I enter the grocery store. Most of all, after reading these books, I have a great sense of gratitude for my food. I understand more fully the work and sacrifice that goes into growing and raising and catching and killing it. I am grateful for the hard work of the food industry laborers. I am grateful for the resources that make eating this food possible. I am grateful for the lives of the animals that produce the milk and eggs I eat. I am grateful for the lives that end in order to feed me. I am deeply aware of the connection I have to animals, to plants, to soil, to water, and to sunshine.

I have decided to bring back the meal prayer in my life. Because now I really feel thankful. And now I really see the benefit of stopping and recognizing what went into the food and the meal. I see the benefit of stopping and reminding myself to savor each bite and take my time. And I see the benefit of pausing to recognize the benefit of communion with those around the table, seen and unseen. So after many drafts, here is the meal prayer that I have written for myself, my table, my meal, and my family.

Fully aware of sacrifice and connection,
We eat with fullest pleasure,
To celebrate our dependence and gratitude.
For we are living from mystery
From creatures we did not make
And powers we cannot comprehend.
Thank you. Amen.

Motivation and Inspiration

2010-12-26T13:47:00.000-08:00

Even though it was a drag to be sick on Christmas, I think being sick between Christmas and New Years is perfect. It's a perfect time to be forced to slow down. Inevitably, the longer I sit still, the more creative I get and the more ideas I have. I am inspired by sitting still without having anything else I should be doing. Unfortunately, sometimes it takes being sick to remind me how important making these Sabbath spaces are.

I'm having fun today thinking about what my dreams are for 2011. Silly things that always seem to be on my goal list like "keeping house" better, exercising to protect my back from injury, planning vacations and camping, playing guitar, and planning times to be creative. Even if I don't accomplish what I've set out to do, I still have fun getting excited about it.

I read a quote today that has been rolling around in my head:
"The aim of art is to represent not the outward appearance of things, but their inward significance." --Aristotle (384-322 BC).

It's precisely this (art) that motivates me. Did you know that there is an artistic way, a representation of inward significance, of "keeping house"?

For me, this is what it looks like:

1. Taking good care of gifts (like my home) is an excellent way of remaining grateful. It's like an act of worship.

2. The satisfaction of knowing that I can keep my home the way I want gives me hope I can handle more responsibilities that come my way.

3. I have control of keeping a certain amount of stress out of my life (in the form of messy house).

So this year, it's about learning how to stay motivated and inspired. It's about finding the deeper inward significance of things. It's living with art. Because, there's not much that can stand in my way if I can remain motivated and inspired.

The big picture

2010-08-02T13:40:00.000-07:00

As I was taking care of my developmentally disabled patient yesterday in the hospital at Sonoma Developmental Center, I got to thinking…

This patient can not experience this life and this world in the same way I can. I see more, I hear more, and I know more of the big picture. He came into the hospital sick, distressed and probably not knowing what was going on with his body.

I know what is wrong with him and I know what is best for him to get him feeling better. But to get to that point of “all better” he’s gonna have to go through some unenjoyable procedures. I have to poke his skin with a needle to draw blood for lab tests. I have to put in an IV to give him fluids and IV antibiotics. I might have to put a catheter into his bladder. I might have to suction him by putting a tube in his nose and down to his lungs so he can breathe because he can’t cough on his own. None of these things are going to be comfortable, in fact they might put him in more distress than when he came in to the hospital.

The worst part about that is that in his eyes, I’m doing all this TO him. I’m causing him more pain. I’m the one to blame. But I know that in the long run, he won’t get better if I don’t do those things. And I’m not willing to let him sit there and die when there’s something I can do to help him get better. I care so deeply about the patients I take care of at the Developmental Center. I can honestly say that I love them. But most of my actions probably do not seem loving to them.

I wonder if it’s the same with us and God. We go through something hard, we come to him sick or injured. We are hurting and we want him to “fix us”. But we never appreciate that sometimes we have to go through more hurt to get better. We usually don’t take into account that God sees better than we do, he hears better than we do, and he knows the bigger picture better than we do. We don’t take into account that he loves us deeply and wants the best for us. We don’t trust that he is good. We don’t trust that he knows what he’s doing. We’re just too afraid of more hurt. But living in that place of disabling fear is what will kill us. NOT letting him take care of us will kill us.

I wonder if I make it harder for God to heal me when I fight him. Just like when I’m trying to start an IV on a patient who is pulling away and pushing me and scratching me because he doesn’t understand. It breaks my heart to have to hurt my patient, but even if he doesn’t understand, I will do it. And if he fights me, I will hold him down to do it.

Sometimes I just put my hand on my patient and whisper, “It’s okay, Love. I’m taking very good care of you. You are safe. And I’m right here.” I’d like to thing that God whispers that to me when I’m distressed. I’d like to believe that God knows what he’s doing and that he’s taking very good care of me. Even if it’s going to hurt more, I want to believe that I am in good hands and that those hands care deeply for me and don’t want to hurt me.

Fighting the pain will not make it go away. It will just make the process of healing take longer. Living life in fear of going through more pain, living life doing everything you can to avoid pain… is no way to live, it’s just a slow painful way to die. Being fully alive has to do with surrendering, accepting, being still, taking one moment at a time, and trusting… all in the midst of the pain.

It’s those little old ladies that bring tears to my eyes. The one’s who are in pain and scared and look into my eyes after I’ve done another painful procedure and say, “Thank you, Honey,” as the grab my hand and squeeze it. It’s the look in their eyes that says, “I trust you.” And that’s how I want to respond to God when I don’t understand. I want to respond with trust that he loves me and that I’m going to be okay. I want to trust that he’s not to blame for me getting sick. And that it breaks his heart to see me in pain. And I want to respond with trust that He sees the big picture and it is a really good.

What getting married means to me...

2010-07-05T00:00:00.000-07:00

Sometime around age seventeen I started really thinking about getting married. I was with my first serious boyfriend and we had been together for a year or so. Growing up in church and going to Christian School, we were raised with the idea that getting married around age 20 was normal. So we stayed together through high school with the expectation that we would graduate and start planning our lives together. I had fully expected to be married by 20 and start having kids by 22. I was thrilled that my plans were right on track. I had been collecting magazine clippings of my dream wedding for years, but I got a little more serious about it as I graduated high school.

It was devastating to me when he said he wanted to take a break from me and go out with other girls. He fooled around with some other girls but wanted me back a week later. And I took him back. I had no idea that I deserved to be treated better than that. I had no idea that I deserved to be loved better than that. I knew that he was still "trying on" other girls over the next and last 6 months of our relationship as it unraveled. I knew that I was not longer important to him.

Then I became involved with a guy at work. He listened to me and asked questions. He gave me attention that I had never had. Even though we had different goals, he was a good companion. He stayed with me for years, through some of the lowest times of my life. And he loved me the best he could. But what I wanted was not what he wanted and his promises to commit to me always came and went. He became more and more absent and more and more secretive. Raised suspicions could always be explained, so I thought nothing of it. It was something that I was willing to live with to be with him, so I did. For 6 1/2 years I dreamed of someday hearing him say, "I want to be with you forever," but he never did. I remember watching a couple at church announce their engagement and I just started to cry I wanted it so bad. I had no idea that I deserved better, that I deserved a commitment. So I stayed. Our relationship slowly fell apart also and it wasn't until months later that I found out I wasn't his only girlfriend, but one of three he had been juggling for at least 5 of the years we were together.

Once again, my dreams of getting married and having a family was shattered. Only this time, I was in my late 20's and was quickly losing hope. I believed there was something in me that would only attract cheaters and those afraid to commit. For the next handful of years, I dated. Most of those I dated did not consider me very important for various reasons and for a few years it just felt like I went from one heartbreak to another. Over this period of time I slowly began to lose heart. I started thinking that I should honestly consider life without that special someone just in case it didn't happen.

When I met Joe, I was hurt and skeptical. I was done giving away pieces of myself. I didn't want to be hurt anymore, I didn't want to get my hopes up anymore. But it turned out that Joe thought I was pretty important. He valued me and treated me like no one ever had. He was loyal and didn't have other girls he was also keeping his eye out for. He gave me his attention and his love and his commitment.

That man loves me in a way that only God has. The loving words he whispers to me are echoes of the one's God whispers to me. "I love you," "I'm right here," "I'm not going to leave you," "You mean the world to me," "I'm so sorry you've been hurt," "Everything's going to be okay," "You are valuable," "You are beautiful," "You are mine."

When I was afraid and alone I would imagine God wrapping his arms around me as I lay my head on his chest and he'd kiss me on the top of the head and say, "I love you." That's exactly what Joe does. It's like God is loving me and talking to me through Joe. Joe is a present to me from God and he's the best gift I've ever received. God is slowly redeeming all the bad memories and experiences and gluing all the pieces of my heart back together.

I have this picture in my head of God dancing with me at my wedding--pulling me close and saying, "Gina, look! I have given you the desires of your heart! I have given you what you've dreamed of. I love you so much. I'm so happy to see you happy." I can't even write that without crying. It's so overwhelming to me how good God is to me and that He has done all things in my life well.

So this wedding celebration is a celebration of God. It's a gratitude party. It's a party to celebrate love and healing and new life. And I believe that God will be there smiling and celebrating with us. I believe that our joy is His joy.

As I prepare for this celebration and make the pieces of the wedding come together, each step is an act of worship for me. I want to give my best and I want to be surrounded by beauty and meaning. I'm willing to put my blood, sweat and tears into making invitations and favors and decorations. It is my love offering to God. It is my joy to give my creativity and time to Him, because what He's given to me is something so precious I'll never be able to repay.

In Mark 7, there's a story about Jesus healing a man who is deaf and mute. It says that the people were beside themselves with excitement saying, "He's done it all and done it well. He gives hearing to the deaf, speech to the speechless." That's how I feel about my wedding. He has healed me. He has done all of this well and I am beside myself with excitement.

I cannot wait until October 3rd. The day when Joe will stand up and declare his love for me, showing me that I am worth committing to and that I am the most important person in his life. He will promise to love me forever. And I'll hear God say with a big smile, "See Gina, I do all things well."

I know

2010-06-20T21:15:00.000-07:00

It's days like today......
when I'm overwhelmed and exhausted and anxious and just want to stay in bed all day.....
when I have to work for 12 hours....
and I make it to work and am surprised by a calm easygoing 12 hours...
all 12 hours...
that I am reminded that you are very near....
and that you care about me so much...

House cleaning

2010-06-14T11:10:00.000-07:00

This is just the motivation that I needed to clean my house and get chores done today. I read this today from 1 Kings 8.

"O God, my God. Listen to my prayers, energetic and devout, that I'm setting before you right now. Keep your eyes open to this Temple night and day, this place of which you said, "My name will be honored there," and listen to the prayers that I pray at this place."

God,
Keep your eyes open to my home night and day. Your name is honored here. Listen to the prayers that I pray in this home. Thank you for giving me this house. Thank you for filling it will people to love. It is my joy to manage it and keep it the best that I can so that You continue to be honored by the love here.

Love

2010-03-25T21:40:00.001-07:00

God does not "love" us without liking us--through gritted teeth--as "Christian" love is sometimes thought to do. Rather, out of the eternal freshness of his perpetually self-renewed being, the heavenly Father cherishes the earth and each human being upon it. The fondness, the endearment, the unstintingly affectionate regard of God toward all his creatures is the natural outflow of what he is to the core--which we vainly try to capture with our tired but indispensable old word love.

--from The Divine Conspiracy by Dallas Willard

Real mission field: the church

2010-03-21T17:54:00.000-07:00

"We who profess Christianity will believe what is constantly presented to us as gospel. If gospels of sin management are preached, they are what Christians will believe. And those in the wider world who reject those gospels will believe that what they have rejected is the gospel of Jesus Christ himself--when, in fact, they haven't yet heard it"

--Dallas Willard from the "Divine Conspiracy"

Celtic Cross

2010-03-20T10:46:00.000-07:00

There is a legend of how Saint Patrick, when preaching to some soon-to-be converted heathens, was shown a sacred standing stone marked with a circle that was symbolic of the moon goddess. Patrick made the mark of a Latin cross through the circle and blessed the stone, making the first Celtic Cross. This legend implies that the Saint was willing to make ideas and practices that were formerly Druid into Christian ideas and practices. The circle of the Celtic Cross is a symbol of eternity that emphasizes the endlessness of God's love as shown through Christ's sacrifice on the cross - or the circle may be seen as a halo. The crucifixion is important not just as an event at a certain point in time but, as the circle symbolizes, as the unending mystery of how through the crucifixion and resurrection Christ continues to offer the hope of salvation to the faithful throughout all time.

Content and Carefree

2010-03-06T20:59:00.001-08:00

Be content with who you are.
God's strong hand is on you.
Live carefree before God.
He is most careful with you.
--1Peter5

When you know (and live like you know) that God protects you, guides you, and takes very good care of you...your life will take on descriptive qualities such as "content" and "carefree".

God, forgive me for worrying and being afraid. That is not the best version of me that you dream of. You are taking care of me and I want to live like I believe that. I want "content" and "carefree" to be words that describe me.

Being Present

2010-03-06T11:59:00.000-08:00

An excerpt from Richard Rohr's Daily Meditation:

In solitude we slowly learn to live face to face with a Presence that asks nothing of us but presence in return (see I Corinthians 13:12). It is too good to be true. This is the birth of the soul.

If we’ve never lived in the realm of pure presence without any need for achieving and performing, we don’t know how to breathe there at first. It is like living on a different planet. But eventually, we allow ourselves to be defined by relationship itself instead of by the good or bad—or even the holy—things we’ve done. And now it is relationship with everything, the rocks at our feet, the air that we breathe consciously, the little animals and birds, the God who is now obvious and praiseworthy in all things. Solitude, ironically and surprisingly, can connect us to everything else. Who would have thought?

The Weakness of the Bible

2010-03-05T18:35:00.000-08:00

An excerpt from "The Story We Find Ourselves In" by Brian McLaren:

I turned toward Neo. "But why," I asked, "can I get a better feel for the power of the battle of good versus evil from a fictional film than I can in. . .in the Bible itself?" I felt embarrassed to say it so bluntly, as if I were criticizing the Scriptures.

Neo smiled but didn't say anything. I thought of what he might be thinking: maybe the Bible wasn't intended to be so compelling that it would overwhelm all our creative urges; maybe it was intended to inspire those creative urges, and so had to be somewhat understated; maybe its genius was to inspire a million masterpieces rather than to be the sole, ultimate masterpiece. Neo interrupted what I imagined he might say and said, "It seems to be God's way, doesn't it, to show a greater power through weakness than could ever be shown through strenth--greater power through frail people, through flawed heroes, through a young girl and a nondescript baby, and even through a cross, all conveyed through a book that really is a collection of fragments assembled over several centuries, that is uneven in style and rather appalling in content in places, and that leaves a lot of loose ends. . .a weak book in many ways.

Freedom to Love

2010-03-05T09:59:00.001-08:00

"Every moment, God is trying to expand our freedom to love."

I posted the daily meditation I read yesterday because this phrase has stuck in my mind. Freedom to love.

Daily Meditation by Richard Rohr

2010-03-05T09:54:00.001-08:00

God cooperates with those who love by turning everything to their own good.
~ Romans 8:28

St. Paul says here that God both initiates and cooperates in all human growth. All we can offer is the good will of love. God “works together with” us, which means both our workings are crucial. We are real partners. Every moment, God is trying to expand our freedom to love. Can you imagine that?

God is forever trying to make our choices more alive, more vital, more clear, more true. So much so, that God even uses our mistakes and our sins in that one providential direction. Nothing at all is wasted, nothing! If that’s not the providence of God, what else would be “providential”?

God seems to be working for our wholeness, for our liberation, for our integrity probably more than we are. At least that is what the saints always say.

Mantra:
Jesus came to show me
how to be more human.

Copyright © 2010 Center for Action and Contemplation
PO Box 12464, Albuquerque, NM 87195-2464 (505)242-9588
www.cacradicalgrace.org

giving

2010-03-01T12:55:00.000-08:00

"Give and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap; for the measure you give will be the measure you get back." -the Bible

I think it might be impossible to love without giving; giving time, giving affection, giving service, giving words, giving attention, giving honesty, giving committment, giving freedom, giving money. I cannot think of one single expression of love that does not cost something. Love requires sacrifice to be genuine.
Giving is the first step towards togetherness. Togetherness = heaven.

From the Message translation: "Give away your life; you'll find life given back, but not merely given back—given back with bonus and blessing. Giving, not getting, is the way. Generosity begets generosity."

Be Still

2010-02-27T14:45:00.000-08:00

These words are the ones I have embodied the past few days...

BE STILL.

I'm giving myself permission to be quiet and still and rest. I am not getting worked up about what I should be doing, or what I could be doing. I have literally not accomplished anything the past 3 days, besides going to work. I'm on an extended Sabbath and it is good. I know that God is near and that I have just as much worth sitting that I do scurrying. I am waiting for spring with great anticipation and hope. Jesus, keep my heart and mind at peace. Help me rest in you.

To BE still goes deeper than sitting quiet. It is part of who you are, your being.

BE STILL.

ask

2010-02-25T12:11:00.000-08:00

Be direct. Ask. Ask and keep on asking and He will give and keep on giving. It's the dance of love. It's the energy of love.

Orchestra

2010-02-21T15:04:00.001-08:00

This morning, Mike at church said something about God orchestrating things and my mind wandered...with the metaphor of God as orchestra director and us as musicians.

An orchestral director may write the score of music that is played. So he knows how it should sound and what he'd like it to accomplish.

The director may direct, but the musicians don't have to follow. The director does not force our cooperation.

If we want to do it our way and not follow the music and the director we not only sound bad, but we mess other people up who are trying to make a beautiful sound.

If a musician loses his place, all he has to do is look at the director and listen to those around him who still know where they are in the song.

Each part doesn't sound that great on it's own but when all the parts are played together in unison, it is beautiful.

1 Cor 12

2010-02-21T10:59:00.001-08:00

Each person is given something to do that shows who God is.

An opportune time

2010-02-21T07:19:00.000-08:00

Sacred Space Scripture today is about Jesus fasting in the wilderness for 40 days and the devil coming to temp and test him. Something I noticed...

Satan came to mess with Jesus when he was physically weak. An opportune time.

I've been paying attention to how I act and treat others when I'm really tired or hungry. I use exhaustion and hunger as an excuse to be mean and impatient and unfriendly. There are so many people who have nothing to eat and I'm having a bad attitude when I can't eat when I want to. God, help me to notice this in the moment and give me strength to suck it up. I don't want to act like a spoiled brat. Thank you for all I have and for being able to eat 3 times a day. I'm sorry I take this for granted.

My mission field

2010-02-20T10:34:00.000-08:00

Today's Sacred Space Scripture:

Luke 5:27-32

After this he went out and saw a tax collector named Levi, sitting at the tax booth; and he said to him, "Follow me." And he got up, left everything, and followed him. Then Levi gave a great banquet for him in his house; and there was a large crowd of tax collectors and others sitting at the table with them. The Pharisees and their scribes were complaining to his disciples, saying, "Why do you eat and drink with tax collectors and sinners?" Jesus answered, "Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick; I have come to call not the righteous but sinners to repentance."

And that's why I go to church. Because ironically...that's where I see a whole lot of people who need Jesus and his way of living in a desperate way. That's where I see people who have a lot of things backwards and don't even know it. In a totally respectful way, church is my mission field.

Lent and fasting education

2010-02-19T16:51:00.000-08:00

The scripture from sacred space today was:

Matthew 9:14-15

Then the disciples of John came to him, saying, "Why do we and the Pharisees fast often, but your disciples do not fast?" And Jesus said to them, "The wedding guests cannot mourn as long as the bridegroom is with them, can they? The days will come when the bridegroom is taken away from them, and then they will fast.

So my question is, what's the point? If I have the Holy Spirit in me, present with me, guiding me, then why would I mourn either? Jesus said that the Holy Spirit would take His place when He left, right? Is there another reason to fast besides mourning? I know we made up lent and I think spending a season of special focus is good, but I'd like to know more. So here are some tidbits I've found all over the web...

"Lent is a respite from the daily pursuit of self-gratification"

"Self-denial puts worldly possessions in proper perspective. The willingness to give up certain pleasures for a period of time is a Christian's affirmation of their reliance on God. The time spent indulging instead is devoted to God. For centuries, people of faith have abstained from food or personal pleasures in times when they desperately needed God's intervention. Jesus told his disciples that some things only come through 'prayer and fasting.'"

"The three pillars of Lent are fasting, prayer, and almsgiving."

"The ancient Jews fasted on Mondays and Thursdays. The ancient church fasted on Wednesdays and Fridays, because they believed that Jesus commanded them to observe those days as fast days; Wednesday to commemorate His betrayal, and Friday to commemorate His crucifixion. So it has been historically customary for Christians to fast on Wednesdays and Fridays. In fact. John Wesley, the Anglican priest who founded Methodism, refused to ordain anyone who did not fast on those two days. He felt that anyone who could not rule his own belly could not be expected to rule the church of God."

The grace meal

2010-02-18T11:58:00.001-08:00

Check out this awesome post:

http://justmelexi.blogspot.com/2010/01/earner-to-heir-back-to-earner-then-back.html

My lent intention

2010-02-18T11:53:00.001-08:00

This lent, instead of fasting and taking something out of my life in order to focus on God, I'm going to add something to my life. I'm going to add space. There's an ancient prayer practice called "Sacred Space". It's simply sitting in silence with God, focused on His Presence, listening. I come to God so many times with questions and requests and an agenda. I need to learn how to listen. I find that when I approach him with an attitude of expectation, He speaks to me. But even if He doesn't speak and I just sit with Him, I can't think of anything He'd rather have this lent than ME. Just time undistracted with ME. So, my hope is that as I set aside this sacred space in my day, each day, my mind will be centered and focused and clear the way it should be and I'll enter the rest of my day confident in who I am, who's I am, and what I'm here for.

I'll also be walking through a prayer/meditation guide from the Sacred Space website at sacredspace.ie and blogging my responses here.

communion of love

2010-02-18T10:59:00.000-08:00

Luke 9:23-27

Then he told them what they could expect for themselves: "Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in the driver's seat—I am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I'll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What good would it do to get everything you want and lose you, the real you? If any of you is embarrassed with me and the way I'm leading you, know that the Son of Man will be far more embarrassed with you when he arrives in all his splendor in company with the Father and the holy angels. This isn't, you realize, pie in the sky by and by. Some who have taken their stand right here are going to see it happen, see with their own eyes the kingdom of God."

My way = live for myself = TAKING.
I will never be the real me. Who I was made to be will be lost.

Jesus' way = sacrifice = GIVING.
I will find my true self. I will become the best possible version of me.

God, remind me that the "taking" way of living leads to a wasted life. You have so much more planned for me. Help me remember that to become the kind of person you have dreamed me to be, I must give.

ADDENDUM:
As I sat this morning some things occured to me.

Taking and receiving are not the same thing.
Receiving is the loving response to someone elses giving. And taking without it being offered to you is stealing.

ALSO, if someone gives to you and you do not receive with gratitude, you have stopped the flow of energy and fellowship (love) just like taking would do.

AND ALSO, if you are constantly giving and giving and not receiving, you will burn out. We have to stay in balance. We have to accept from others and from God in order to have energy to give.

If we take and hord and not give in response, we'll stop this beautiful communion of love. And if we give until we're empty and not stop to receive from others and from God, we'll stop this communion of love in the same way.

The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit live in communion together constantly giving and receiving. Each receiving providing energy for more giving and it continues. THIS is our model. This is what Heaven looks like. THIS is what we should model our relationships by.

Ash Wednesday

2010-02-17T11:21:00.000-08:00

Ash Wednesday--Sacred Space Reflection

How do I find myself today?
Where am I with God? With others?
Do I have something to be grateful for?
Then I give thanks.

How do I find myself today?
Expectant. I'm looking forward to what I'm going learn this lent.

Where am I with God?
Open. Excited.

With others?
I feel like I need to focus on being a blessing to others. I feel like I need to be even more open. God open my eyes to ways I can contribute and encourage.

Do I have something to be grateful for?
Yes! In fact I need to spend some time this lent writing in my Joy Journal. I've found myself out of the habit of seeing the good and noticing the little things that bring me joy.

God, these are the things that have brought me joy this morning...
a good morning kiss, warm cozy bed, sleeping in, warm sun, little birds, strong coffee, making plans with my sis, a call from katie, relaxing music, a day ahead of me focused on being a blessing.

Not meant to take this on

2010-02-16T12:45:00.000-08:00

I've had a sadness today about a couple of people in my life. I have sadness about a relationship of mine that's being painfully redefined and I have sadness for a friend going through hell right now. I'm feeling heavy and depressed about these things. I'm mad that I'm letting them effect me. I keep trying to figure out how to snap out of it, how to stop caring so much.

I just read this prayer in my "sacred space" time:

Lord, you created me to live in freedom.
Mostly I take this gift for granted.
Inspire me to live in the freedom you intended,
with a heart untroubled and with complete trust in you

And I realized that I am not going to "live in freedom" with a "heart untroubled" until I trust God to handle these's people's lives. I'm living outside of my responsibility and it's weighing me down, because I was not meant to take this on.

God, here. You take it. I'm done. I can't do it. And I shouldn't be trying to.

Missing the Point

2010-02-15T12:02:00.000-08:00

Mark 8:11-13
"The Pharisees came and began to argue with Jesus, asking him for a sign from heaven, to test him. And he sighed deeply in his spirit and said, 'Why does this generation ask for a sign? Truly I tell you, no sign will be given to this generation' And he left them, and getting into the boat again, he went across to the other side."

Miracles are not the point. They are just a tool Jesus used. Caring about people is the point.

God's glitter-water Presence

2010-02-13T10:53:00.000-08:00

Dear Lord as I come to you today
Fill my heart and my whole being
with the wonder of your presence
--from todays reading on the Sacred Space website

There was something on yesterday's reading about "presence" too. And I just imagined God's presence all around me. I imagined what it would be like if I could see it. I have a bouncy ball that has glitter water in it. I could spend hours just looking at the glitter dancing around in that ball. I imagine God's presence like a swimming pool of glitter water. There were a few times yesterday when I got in a zone and was very intense and suddenly the word "presence" popped into my head. I immediately pictured myself right where I was, waist deep in glitter water. My whole body lightened up and relaxed and I got a smile on my face as I slowed down and flowed in this presence.

I immediately think of being a child again and some of the most enjoyable times of my childhood spent in the water. No worries.

If you are waist deep in water, you cannot fight against it and get anywhere fast, you've got to slow down and make your movements fluid to flow with the water. Similar to God's presence. I can get into that intense zone during my day and not even realize that I'm fighting against the "Presence" instead of flowing with it.

Similarly, it would be nice to be reminded of God's glitter-water presence when I'm overwhelmed. Like letting the ocean current carry you instead of trying madly to swim against it. Exhausting and useless. Imagine how nice it would be to float on top of that glitter water and let it carry you through the day. Peaceful.

All Things Well

2010-02-12T10:41:00.000-08:00

Mark 7:31-37

Then Jesus returned from the region of Tyre, and went by way of Sidon towards the Sea of Galilee, in the region of the Decapolis. They brought to him a deaf man who had an impediment in his speech; and they begged him to lay his hand on him. He took him aside in private, away from the crowd, and put his fingers into his ears, and he spat and touched his tongue. Then looking up to heaven, he sighed and said to him, "Ephphatha," that is, "Be opened." And immediately his ears were opened, his tongue was released, and he spoke plainly. Then Jesus ordered them to tell no one; but the more he ordered them, the more zealously they proclaimed it. They were astounded beyond measure, saying, "He has done everything well; he even makes the deaf to hear and the mute to speak."

He has done everything well. He does all things well. Today through my stress and frustration and joy and excitement and hope, he will do all things well in my life. No matter what happens to me, he will be doing everything well.

God, thank you for always doing all things well. A burden feels lifted from me when I remember this. If nothing turns out the way I think it should it's okay, because you do all things well.

Question: God or Evolution

2010-02-11T20:22:00.001-08:00

Answer: Yes

"Go back before creation. If God is the only thing that exists, the only being that is, then God has to create some kind of neutral sapce, very literally, and God needs to create time, so that the universe can be itself, become itself, with some kind of freedom and authenticity. Otherwise, it's just a puppet universe, just a simulation. Do you see it? So if God wants to make a universe that's real, I think we would expect it to happen just as evolution says: the universe would develop, over time, writing its own story, so to speak. It's a story of becoming, of unfolding, of novelties emerging and possibilities being explored and diversitiy flowering. And best of all, it's not finished yet. We're still in process, still young, still moving ahead toward what we're going to be when we're all 'grown up'. And each of us, through our lives, through our choices, by cooperating with God or by withholding our cooperation, plays a part in the continuing evolution of God's creation." -from The Story We Find Ourselves In

Finding God in the Interruptions

2010-02-11T10:35:00.000-08:00

Mark 7:24-30

From there Jesus set out and went away to the region of Tyre. He entered a house and did not want anyone to know he was there. Yet he could not escape notice, but a woman whose little daughter had an unclean spirit immediately heard about him, and she came and bowed down at his feet.

I love how Jesus set out and he had a plan, but try as he did, he couldn't pass the woman. He changed his plans at the last minute. He didn't want anyone to know he was there, but something else quickly became more important to him.

God, may I be flexible enough in my "plans" today to see you and to hear you. I don't want to be so focused on what I have planned that I miss you in the interruptions.

Word of the Day (that I write on my hand to remind me): interrupt

Expect love.

2010-01-20T14:39:00.000-08:00

I've never quit loving you

and
never
will.

Expect love

love
and more
LOVE!

Jeremiah 31

How would my life be different if I lived it expecting love and anticipating it wherever I went?

I would be confident
I would not fear or worry
I would live in the moment and take things one step at a time
I would ask for help
I would live like I was a contribution
I wouldn't sweat the small stuff
I'd take my time and give myself time
I'd be happy
I'd be content
I'd be patient

If I am always living in expectation of love, I will not be disappointed. You can only be disappointed if you've stopped expecting, if you've given up, if your hope has died.

God, don't ever let my hope die. You have never quit loving me. You will never quit loving me. You haven't given up on me and you won't. I can expect that from you. Help me to live in this love and spread it.

My smelly life

2009-12-03T10:26:00.000-08:00

Man, it's crazy how caught up in myself I can get. Just wound up so tight around myself and my worries and my anxieties. Thank God he knows exactly how to gently nudge me out of my tangled mess, though. I read a verse in the Bible this morning that brought me back to what's important. Like a sticky hand that finally looses its grip and comes springing back. The verse is in 2 Corinthians 2 and it says "Through us, he brings knowledge of Christ. Everywhere we go, people breathe in the exquisite fragrance. Because of Christ, we give off a sweet scent rising to God."

Duh. The most important thing in my life is to reflect God. I want people to be introduced to God and become familiar with his character by the way I live. I want people to know that God is good and loves them unconditionally because of how I treat and interact with them. I want to be goodness and truth and joy and love and acceptance to people who need it and who need to know that it comes from God. That's what being an "exquisite fragrance" is.

I can't believe how wrapped up in myself I can get when I loose focus from this. It feels like everything else has just melted off of me. It all matters but it's not the goal. Thank you Jesus for reorienting me--constantly reorienting me. What a great time of year to be reminded of this.

Spiritual Compatibility

2009-08-03T12:06:00.000-07:00

To know me is to know my spirit. If that understanding is not present between two people in an intimate relationship, something will be missing. If I don’t feel like that spiritual component is present I will withhold pieces of who I am, not out of a fear of rejection, but out of not being understood.

I’m not just talking about having a similar relationship with God. I’m also talking about having goals and a deep sense of connectedness to humanity. It’s about the desire to work on yourself inside and out. It’s about having purpose and seeing yourself as a contribution; it’s about how you see the world; it’s about compassion and helping others and having a similar concept of right and wrong.

On the other hand. . .I believe that unity is one of the most beautiful and dominant characteristics of the Kingdom of God. And as someone who follows Jesus, I live to bring people together like He did. I value diversity for the beautiful mosaic it creates when everyone works together for a common good. I believe that we can work together for this Kingdom even if we believe different things.

So my questions are these:

Is it hypocritical of me to believe that unity and diversity are a beautiful way to live towards God but not offer the same grace in my intimate relationships? Is it hypocritical of me to require that my partner be someone with whom I sees eye to eye on a spiritual matters when I believe it is not necessary in the grander scheme of the world?

Strong yet dependent

2009-07-24T11:04:00.000-07:00

"God takes the wind out of Babel pretense, he shoots down the world's power-schemes." Ps 33

pretense - the act of pretending; a false appearance or action intended to decieve; mere show without reality

power - the ability or official capactiy to exercise control; authority; forcefulness

scheme - a secret or devious plan

devious - deviating from the straight or direct course; away from the main road; distant or removed.

take the wind out of somebody's sails - to challenge someones boasting or arrogance; make someone feel less confident or determined.

When we put on a show pretending to to be what we're not, God will challenge that arrogance. He sees our secret plans to control and they are not the path that he has designed us for. We are East of Eden.

God, expose my pretending and faking. Show me and challenge me to be humble and honest. Challenge my arrogance. Show me how to be proud of myself and dependent on you at the same time. I need to be shown how I cannot do life on my own. I need to know that I'm not in control and I need to depend on more than myself. I need to ask for help and I don't know how. Please help me. Please teach me how to be strong and to completely depend on you. I don't know how.

Thank you Marshall

2009-07-23T13:01:00.000-07:00

Portion of an email I received from a friend today, telling me exactly what I needed to hear today:

"I was on the beach yesterday morning, and I noticed how smooth the beach was and how all the foot prints from the day before were washed away. The Lord gave me a similar word. Our Father washes those things that beat us down and step on us away and makes things new and beautiful. It's only for a day or season and He is faithful to smooth things out in our lives or at least give us the peace to look at things that way."

Breathe

2009-06-26T09:46:00.000-07:00

"I live and breathe God" Ps 34

God is life giving, refreshing, cleansing, all around everywhere, essential, calming when anxious, in a good smoke, like proper breathing while singing a breath of God gives me power to sing/live strong and in tune.

Breathe God

God, I want to stay with you today. Remind me to breathe you throughout today. Calm me, rejuvenate me, cleanse me. Give me power to live strong and in tune today.

Run. . . . .

2009-06-15T11:19:00.000-07:00

But anyone who runs to me for help will inherit the land, will end up owning my holy mountain. Someone says: "Build, build! Make a road! Clear the way, remove the rocks from the road my people will travel." (Is 57)

Run to Him.
Let Him run to you.
Clear the road between you and Him.
Clear the road between Him and others.
Lead the way.
Show others how to remove the rocks.
Show others how to remove anything that comes between them and God.
Let others follow the road you've prepared.
Let others follow your lead as you run to Him.
Bring people with you.
Take their hand and run to Him together.
If they fall, pick them up, remove the rock that tripped them and keep running.
If you fall, get up, kick the rock aside and keep running.
God is running towards you.
Run towards God.
Keep the path clear.
Don't let people get in the way.
Don't let anything get in the way.
He loves you so much.
Let him run for you.
Open your arms.
Don't hesitate.
Don't be scared.
Do not be afraid.
Do not be afraid.
Do not be afraid.
He will not turn his back on you.
He will never abandon you.
He will never stop running to you.
He will never stop loving you.
Never.

Zesty?

2009-05-29T10:50:00.000-07:00

Light, space, zest--that's God! Psalm 27:1 (MSG)

Things I think of when I hear these three words:

light:

a smile

warm

no secrets

nothing to be ashamed of

inviting

love

security

happy

space:

relief

no boxes

no labels

opened up to others

accessible

forgiving

allowing for others faults

generous

patient

calm

zest:

fun

inviting

confident

energy

smiles

fully alive

adventurous

spontaneous,

living in the now

happy

no worries

Revelation I had when making these lists:

I have never thought of God as fun or "zesty". I've always thought of Him like my dad--quiet, reserved, man of little words, stands back and watches, not so adventurous. I wonder what my relationship with God would look like and how it would change if I started to see him as a fun guy (ha! I just said fungi).

That's violence

2009-05-21T18:04:00.000-07:00

An few brilliant excerpts from Jesus Wants To Save Christians by Rob Bell and Don Golden

"If evil always takes some form of violence, then more violence isn't going to solve anything."

"When people are manipulated with guilt and fear, when they are told that if they don't do certain things they'll be illegitimate, judged, condemned, sent to hell forever -- that's violence.

It doesn't matter what spiritual language is used or what passages in the Bible are quoted, it's destructive. It's the misuse of power. And central to the way of Jesus is serving, which is the loving use of whatever power you possess for the good of another."

2009-05-19T11:38:00.000-07:00

Pay it Forward

2009-05-18T10:30:00.000-07:00

Whatever I have been given is for the purpose of blessing and giving to others.

"He was holding on tight to a lot of things, and he couldn't bear to let go." Matt 19

"Strength is for service, not status" Rom 15

In Matthew 19, Jesus told the man that he couldn't be a part of the kingdom because he held too tightly to his possesions. He had been blessed, but would not use it to bless others.

In Romans 15, strength is the blessing. It is not to be hoarded and used to become powerful. It is given to serve others. It is given in order to be paid forward to others. God needs us, he needs human bodies to be his funnels of love, and grace, and mercy, and joy, and justice. He gives to us so that the world will be blessed and know that he is all of these things.

When we hold too tightly to what we've been blessed with, we become self-focused, private, possessive, paranoid, untrusting, and we clearly make a boundary between what belongs to "me" and what belongs to "you". Justice tragically turns from "I will give to you because I have it and you need it" to "I earned this, you cannot have it because you do not deserve it. . .try harder."

I have been given:

an education

friendship

artistic talent

love

singing

time

money

a house

a car

a family

energy

strength

health

intelligence

etc

. . . all to serve others.

We've got it all backwards.

I do not own these things because I "DO" and earn by doing. I have been given these things because I am deeply loved and trusted with them. And since I have been trusted with all of this in my life, it is my responsibilty and honor to bless others with it.

Like a Child

2009-05-16T11:10:00.000-07:00

"Unless you return to square one and start over like children you're not even going to get a look at the kingdom, let alone get in. Whoever becomes simple and elemental again. . . will rank high in God's kingdom." Matthew 18

When I think of living life with a child's perspective, this is what I think of:

openminded

accepting

uncomplicated

joyful

optimistic

unworrying

happy

living in the moment

laughing

making the best of what they've got

trying new things

letting their parent take care of the things they can't

trying to figure out how to have fun doing absolutely anything!

And that is who I want to be.

Hope Tree

2009-05-14T12:37:00.001-07:00

I am helping a friend create a work of art with momentos that she has saved from her journey through cancer. I have gathered a bunch of my art from friends and family and have it sitting on my dining room table. I just noticed a theme that I had not paid too much attention to before.

I like trees.

I'm not sure why.

But I love to have trees in my art. Even the painting I'm currently working on that is not pictured here has a tree.

Just a few minutes after I made that puzzling observation, I sat down and read Job 14. This is the part that obviously got my attention. . .

"For a tree, there is always hope. Chop it down and it still has a chance--it's roots can put out fresh sprouts. Even if its roots are old and gnarled, its stump long dormant, at the first whiff of water it comes to life, buds and grows like a sapling."

So I'd like to think that I subconsciously paint trees because I need to know that there is always hope. I see trees as a symbol of safety and protection, and a symbol of strength and stability--all
attributes that I am drawn to in people. And all attributes that inspire me to paint and create for those I love.

Maybe one day I'll have a copyright title for my art called "Hope Tree".

Challenge fixed ideas

2009-05-10T13:37:00.000-07:00

"If we maintain the open-mindedness of children, we challenge fixed ideas and established structures, including our own. We listen to people in other denominations and religions. We don't find demons in those with whom we disagree. We don't cozy up to people who mouth our jargon. If we are open, we rarely resort to either-or: either creation or evolution, liberty or law, sacred or secular, Beethoven or Madonna. We focus on both-and, fully aware that God's truth cannot be imprisoned in a small definition. " --Brennan Manning

2009-05-09T10:08:00.000-07:00

Everyone who runs towards God. . . . . .

MAKES IT.

Live with Art

2009-05-07T11:15:00.000-07:00

Strong

2009-05-07T11:12:00.000-07:00

I love you, God--you make me strong.

Ps. 18

Strong:
1. having power greater than average or expected
2. having a wielding force or authority
3. having physical power to act
4. having ability to bear or endure
5. solid; tough; not easily broken or injured; able to sustain attacks, not easily subdued or taken
6. adapted to make a deep or effectual impression on the mind or imagination
7. effecting any sense powerfully
8. well established; firm; not easily overthrown or altered

potent
immune
solid
sure

East of Eden

2009-05-06T11:10:00.000-07:00

There is a place called Eden, a paradise, a state of being in which everything is in its right place. A realm where the favor and peace of God rest on everything. But humanity has wandered from Eden. East of Eden. Something has gone terribly wrong with humanity, and from the very beginning humans are moving in the wrong direction.

"The Germans have a word for this. They call it ursprache. Ursprache is the primal, original language of the human family. It's the language of paradise that still echoes in the deepest recesses of our consciousness, telling us that things are out of whack deep in our bones, deep in the soul of humanity. Something about how we relate to one another has been lost. Something is not right with the world." --from "Jesus Wants to Save Christians"

Isn't it frustrating to see that things in the world are just plain "not right"? In my own life, when I see things start to go East, I am overcome by feelings of helplessness. I quickly become angry and think, "This is not fair". It's my ugly-cry-punching-bag mantra. My heart has been broken again. . . I have been let down again. . . I realize I'm chasing after what I can't have. . . I am trying to earn love again. . . I have been cheated and short-changed.

I was reading about Gideon this morning in the Bible. I was shocked at how much violence and killing was packed into one single chapter! At one city, Gideon and his troops stop and ask for bread because they are worn out and hungry from chasing their next kill. The leaders of the city tell Gideon that he's crazy for trying to hunt down and kill these people. The leaders refuse to feed them and help them on their "fool's errand".

So Gideon replies, "If you say so. But when God gives me this victory, I'll give you a thrashing, whip your bare flesh with desert thorns and thistles!"

WTF?

Can you say East of Eden?

It turns out that God instructed Gideon to chase after these people and promised to give them the victory. So Gideon and his men DO catch the peeps they're after and they DO give the leaders of that city of thrashing on their bare flesh with desert thorns and thistles.

What struck me in this whole violent story was the end. The Bible says that after Gideon had died, his body was hardly cool in the tomb when the People of Israel had gotten off track. They forgot all about God, their God, who had saved them from all their enemies who had hemmed them in.

I can almost hear God's heart breaking in words. And suddenly I realize what God had been doing. I realized what was actually important.

Clearly, going around killing people, taking their land, chopping heads off and whipping people with desert thistles is East of Eden. Agreed? But God's desire is to have our hearts. To be close to us. He was willing to enter this East of Eden story, even instructing Gideon to kill people just to show that He was protecting them, that He was providing for them, that He loved them.

People back then were gonna do it anyway--kill, plunder, pillage, hunt down. If you stood there and took it, you would've been the one plundered, pillaged, and killed. So, if you were God and you wanted to show Gideon that you loved him, how would you do it? Enter this crazy story. And in this crazy story, it meant giving Gideon a military victory and providing protection.

So, we still live in these East of Eden lives. We're still SO far off track, even though we aren't quite as savage as Gideon and his men. We are still a mess, but God's focus is still our hearts and devotion. I think God is willing to put up with a lot of "East of Eden" nonsense in order to be the #1 in our lives. I think he has the ability to look at us and say, "This is not how it should be, but I'm gonna enter it anyway in order to love you." God knows that the only way our outward actions are going to change is if our hearts are changed first.

So, if we are to be Jesus' flesh and blood right now in this world today, what nonsense do we need to get past in order to love people? What things to we need to enter into, knowing full well that it's "not right", it's "not how it should be"? What East of Eden things are keeping us from people's hearts? We're ALL screwed up. We're ALL living East of Eden. None of us are how we should be.

On the flip side, what things are "not right" in YOUR life? Do you think that because of these things, God can't be close to you? Or He doesn't want to be close to you? Look at what he entered in Gideon's life to have his heart? Don't you think he's willing to do the same for you? Don't you think he's aching to do the same for you? He's looking at you saying, "That stuff is not my priority. My priority is you. I just want YOU."

Spin me

2009-04-20T12:18:00.000-07:00

I've been spending more time with God this week. Actually sitting down, reading the Bible, and having coffee with him in the morning. It's been good. He always speaks to me. This morning I read Isaiah 29:15-16 in the Message. I realize that I've been treating God like the lump of clay. So today is a day of repentence for taking control, AGAIN. I wrote "Spin me" on my hand today to remind me that I am the clay and God is a masterful artist. I can put my arms up in the air and trust him to mold my life. And I am working on trusting that He is doing the absolute best in my life. He is not short-changing me. He is happy with what he is forming in me and it's about time that I see myself that way too.

Who Am I?

2009-04-12T17:47:00.000-07:00

Who am I?
Do I belong anywhere?
Do I belong to anyone?
Who looks for me when I disappear?
Does anyone see me when I cry?
Is anyone missing me when I'm not there?
Would anyone be willing to protect me?
Would anyone be willing to be there no matter what?
Would anyone be willing to hold me?
Would anyone be willing to stick around?
Would anyone be willing to know me well?
Does anyone feel at home with me?
Who do I belong to?

you complete me

2009-03-30T11:10:00.000-07:00

Don't run up debts, except for the huge debt of love you owe each other. When you love others, you complete what the law has been after all along...You can't go wrong when you love others. When you add up everything in the law code, the sum total is love. --Paul

Jesus came to "fulfill the law". That's always been a confusing statement to me and one that I've heard explained in great painful detail many times. The kind of detail that makes people roll their eyes, shake their head, and walk away. Why bother if the explanation turns me away? So that's one of those phrases that I kinda get. I could spend a few minutes reguritating all I've been taught in church my whole life but it would do nothing to light a passion in you. It would do nothing to get you excited about Jesus and inspire you to follow him. And that is exactly why I'm reading through the Bible in the Message translation (or paraphrase if your a Pharisee and get stuck on stupid things like that).

After reading these verses this morning, I literally said out loud all by myself, "Oh! I totally get it. Of course!" And I've been reading the Bible and listening to people reguritate it my whole life. This morning when I read this, I got it. Jesus' idea of "fulfilling the law" was to come here and teach us how to love. He wanted to bring the love factor that was missing in the rule keeping. So, when I love and teach others to love I am doing justice to all that Jesus lived and died for. I am completing the circle. God loved us first, then Jesus showed up and showed us how much we were loved. He also showed us how to love eachother, and left us with the Spirit to guide us and give us energy to walk this love walk and dance this love dance.

Every time we love and teach others to love, we complete this circle and it starts all over again, gaining energy and momentum. Love is what makes the world go round. It's what this is all about.

Real tired of it

2009-02-22T22:41:00.000-08:00

Gettin' tired of hearing "works-based" preaching. Real tired of it. As I recall, that's one of the things that Jesus does not like. I'm getting tired of hearing the "grace" part of the message as an accessory tacked on the end. For once, I'd like a sermon to start with grace and be based on grace, and not on what I should and should not do. I do not believe that God is in the business of guilting his people into following him. Would you want a relationship with someone because they feel guilty about not having one with you? Where's the freakin love, people?

Being a light in this world is not the same as being perfect. The world is not looking for our perfection, they are not dying to catch us when we mess up. The world is looking for our honesty. They are dying to see that we are NOT perfect. They want to hear us say "I messed up" or "I was wrong" or "I struggle with this". They are watching us mess up and waiting to hear if we're gonna admit it. They are not waiting to call us on our sins, they are waiting to call us on our hypocrisy.

The good new is that we can live our lives without condemnation and fear. The good news is that even though we mess up and go through hard times, we have hope. The good news is that all this is not being held against us. The good news is that everything we do wrong has been forgiven. The good news is that we are not alone and what we do wrong does not separate us from being loved.

The good news is not that we will attract people to Jesus because we don't sin. The good news is not that we can be closer to God IF we do this or don't do this. Jesus threw tables in the temple because the religious leaders made these type of requirements. There isn't ANYTHING we need to do before we're allowed to run straight into the arms of our Maker. We do not have to stop anything or start anything or be someone else. God is aching to hold us. He's aching to have us run to him. He doesn't tolerate anything that stands in the way of that. And does not tolerate people trying to convince us that there are things we must do or things we must stop doing before we will be allowed to be close to God.

HE will change in us what needs to be changed. HE will give us new desires and new burdens to follow him. HE will show us the way to go and guide us where HE wants us. THAT IS NOT OUR JOB!!! We are free. We are forgiven. We are loved. He wants us. He wants us close. He's strong enough to handle our faults. He is not requiring us to do anything but run into his arms and stay there. When we put our energy into staying there, we will stop doing harmful things and it will be something that happens without us even knowing it. Our desires will change and our hearts will be for God and for others. And it will never happen genuinely if we are trying to make it happen.

THAT is what Jesus came to live. THAT is what people need. THAT is the good news.

"Everything that goes into a life of pleaseing God has been miraculously given to us by getting to know, personally and intimately, the One who invited us to God." (2 Peter 1:3, MSG)

lifeforce of love

2009-02-21T10:03:00.000-08:00

"Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God." 1 John 4:7

Even those who don't know that they know God? It says that EVERYONE who loves knows God. Is it possible that everyone who loves has tapped into a deeper power and actually knows God? Even if they are unaware of it? All love is good. Even if it comes from evil people in less than ideal circumstances. Love is love and if it's genuine, then it's good. For example, there's no such thing as "selfish love". Selfish and love are oxymorons. Love is not selfish. If it's selfish, then it's not love.

There is no such thing as bad love. A loving action that comes from a "non Christian" is no less powerful and important than a loving action that comes from a Christian. Humanitarian aid is not useless if there are not missionaries "preaching the gospel" along with it. Love is never a waste, no matter what. You can pass out food to the hungry and preach more about love with a smile and a touch than if you were to open your mouth and attach a Christianese cliche to your action.

All love is good and puts us in touch with God (who IS love). So it makes sense that if God IS love, then any love from any person under any circumstance puts them closer to God. So I think it's possible for people who don't know God to actually be connected to him in a very deep way through their actions of love. They have been born into something bigger and more powerful than themselves. A life force of love. We should encourage these actions from everyone, everywhere, no matter what they believe. God IS the love that we show to eachother. And that IS the gospel. And that IS what we are called to bring to the ends of the earth.

pay it forward

2009-02-19T11:03:00.000-08:00

"Jesus requires us to view other people as highly valued children of God, well worth out rime, attention, and energy." --Better Together, 40 Days of Community

Dear Gina,

You are highly valued. You are worth my time, my attention, and my energy. Take this love I have for you and pay it forward to everyone you come in contact with today.

Love,
God

because he did it first

2009-02-18T11:19:00.000-08:00

"We love because God first loved us." 1 John 4:19

Real love comes as a response. I do not have the strength to love others if it only comes from me. I can't love others unless I know that I am loved deeply by God. And loving others is always going to become a burden if I'm trying to fill my cup with human love and affection. If I fill myself with God's love, others will be blessed by the overflow and it will not be a burden beause I have so much love to give. This is the reason that stopping and spending a moment with God is so important to me. Sitting in His presence and resting in his love for me refuels me for the day. I need to be reminded how much He loves me. I need to be reminded who I am and how much I am worth. Then, I am equipped to love everyone I come in contact with through the day. And it's a joy. And I'm a joy to be around. And I feel joy, instead of discouragement and frustration.

Obvious

2008-12-30T22:15:00.000-08:00

It was the deepest love I'd ever experienced, beyond anything I could have previously imagined, but it wasn't euphoric...it was just obvious. Like when you've been looking at an optical illusion for a long time, straining your eyes to decode the trick, and suddenly your cognizance shifts and there--now you can clearly see it--the two vases are actually two faces. And once you've seen through the optical illusion, you can never not see it again. "So this is God," I thought.

Quote from the book "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert.

Carrying God to Others

2008-11-13T10:45:00.000-08:00

Ephesians 1:22-23
"The church is Christ's body, in which he speaks and acts, by which he fills everything with his presence."

Christ has placed me in my world so that he can be present not only with me but with every person I come in contact with. I am the carrier of Christ. He lives and moves through my life. Through my actions. Since God wants to be present with every person, my presence in people's lives is vital. How I am present with people affects how much of God's presence others may or may not experience. It is a priveledge to be trusted like this. It is a priveledge to know and share and teach the people in my life what I know and love about God through my presence with them.

Goodbye Tommy

2008-09-10T10:43:00.001-07:00

Thank you for the crisp air.

Thank you for solitude.

Thank you for the crashing waves.

Thank you for being near.

Thank you for this sacred space

One last time with Tommy.

Thank you for always being my Jehovah Jireh.

As I sit here on the beach by myself, I don't understand why Tommy is not next to me kicking up sand on this paper, scooting around his rock. But I do know that you love me and that you are good. God, I miss him. I miss his presence. When I felt most alone and most scared he was always there right next to me licking my tears and resting his head on me. It's so hard for me to actually feel you, but I could through him. I could feel that you loved me and that you were always there happy to see me no matter what. I wasn't ready to lose that, but I guess you see something in me that I don't and you have different plans than I do. God, be my companion, be my best friend. Make yourself real to me and surround me with your presence so I always know you are next to me.

If the kingdom of heaven is here now, then Tommy must be too. Playing with a rock. Just beyond what my eyes can see.

Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust.

Goodbye, Friend.

Thank God because he's good, because his love never quits. Psalm 118:1

The meaning of my sparrow tattoos

2008-06-11T13:51:00.000-07:00

On 5/30/08 I got two new tattoos. A got a pair of sparrows, one on the inside of each of my upper arms. This past winter, I went through a very difficult bout of depression. It was more challenging than any other time that I have struggled with this horrible monster.

I did what I needed to do to get help and I worked hard at pushing myself when I didn’t feel like it. Then, around my birthday in April things started to get better. I recovered the life that had previously seemed to disappear from my existence.

This tattoo is a mark of hope. It’s to remind me that there is always hope and that I can’t give up. I’m sure that I’ll struggle with depression again and the sparrows are to remind me that it will get better. They are to remind me to hold on because freedom is coming.

There were mornings before I went to work when the only thing I did was sit in my chair and watch the sparrows outside my window play in the bushes and bathe themselves in the puddles. It was my peace and it reminded me of the verses in the Bible when Jesus uses sparrows as an illustration to explain our worth. He says this:

“What’s the price of a sparrow? Some lose change, right? And God cares what happens to it even more than you do. He pays even greater attention to you, down to the last detail...You’re worth more than a million sparrows.”

I have always struggled with my worth/value. Any issue I have as a person is almost always related to how valuable I think I am to other people.

My sparrow tattoos are to remind me that I have great value; that I am a gift to those around me.

Here are some more interesting things that I found out about sparrows:

“Because the sparrow is an intelligent bird that has proven to be adaptable to most situations, i.e. nest sites, food, and shelter, it has become the most abundant songbird, not only in our region, but in the world.”

“In the old days, before GPS, sailors would follow birds to land. There was an old sailor's legend about one particular captain who would recognize the sparrow as native to his home. The sparrow would signify his coming home. The tattoo is supposed to help lead you home.”

“Sparrows symbolize love, dedication and trust. Sparrows mate for life and will always return home no matter how far they travel. They should always be tattooed in pairs.”

a good man

2008-05-24T00:08:00.000-07:00

In the season finale of Grey's Anatomy:

Webber to Meredith
"I'm not a bad man. I know I'm the villain in your story, but I'm not a bad man."

Webber to his wife:
"I'm a good man. I am your husband. And I love you. I'm not asking to come home, I'm telling you I am your husband, and I want to come home to my wife."

Oh to find a good man like that. One who knows that he's not perfect, but can still come to the conclusion that he already is the kind of man that he's been trying so hard to be. It's not about trying to be good. It's about knowing that you already have it within you. It's about growing up and stepping up and taking control of your life. It's about being bold and risking it all to have what you really want. Your playing small does not serve the world.

Accepting help

2008-05-11T00:01:00.000-07:00

I have a friend who has recently needed help moving. This friend has not outright asked for help but has dropped hints that this move would be a lot easier if people helped. I offered my help on more than one occasion, but I was never taken up on it. It was a little frustrating to me but I shrugged it off and let it go. A few days ago I heard that this moving friend was dropping hints to someone else about needing help.

Have you ever been just a little peeved when someone has not accepted your help? Not that it’s all about me, but I like to help others and when I offer, I mean it. I get a great sense of satisfaction by feeling that someone wants me. I read a verse in Matthew this morning that said (in the Message translation), “Accepting someone’s help is as good as giving someone help.”

I can usually take care of my life all on my own and if I can’t get something done I’ll figure out a way to make it happen. I don’t often even think about asking for help with anything. That’s what happens when you are single and live on your own for a long time. My friend, Kristie (who used to be my roommate), got used to me doing everything for myself. Even to this day, if I ever say, “I need help” she literally drops everything and comes running because she knows that the earth is about to cave in on itself. When I actually use those words I've tried everything I can possibly think of to do it on my own and failed.

I broke my arm last year and there were a lot of things that I simply could not do. I could not put clean sheets on my bed and I could not carry the laundry basket full of clothes back from the laundry room after I had washed. I made do, but it was so much nicer to have my mom’s help, if only for 10 minutes or so every week to do those two things. And I think it made an even bigger difference to my mom. I really think she enjoyed helping me and enjoyed that I asked her. I think it probably meant more to her that I needed her than it meant to me to have the help.

I learned a valuable lesson those 3 months of being broken. It is very important to people in my life that they feel wanted and needed by me. It is very important to take someone up on an offer to help. It creates and nurtures community. Accepting help says, “I appreciate you and I’m grateful for your help.” It says, “I am stronger with you than I am by myself.” And even if you can’t say “I need you here” your actions will say “I want you here” and that is one of the most powerful messages you can communicate to those you love.

On a God note . . . I'm pretty sure he wants nothing more than to hear me say, "I need you" and "I want you". Accepting His help is not just an easier way to live, but in my humble opinion, it's the only way to make this whole circus of a life worth living.

Say Anything

2008-04-27T00:16:00.000-07:00

There was a point somewhere between Tuesday and tonight that something happened. It's just like last year and the year before that. I distinctly remember walking to the laundry room about a year ago when I realized how wonderful the sun felt on my face and how comforting the warm spring air was. It's like at that very moment I woke up. Well, I think it's happening again. It was the moment that I was dancing with my friends at my birthday party with Five AM playing the song "Say Anything". It was the line "Say it's all about this moment and it's slipping away" when Katie and I looked at eachother with our hands held high pointing down and mouthing "It's all about this moment". That was the moment that I realized I could breathe. I'm petrified of jinxing anything good by admitting that I can get out of bed in the morning and not want to cry. I'm very proud to say that when I found out everything was erased on my cell phone yesterday I did not have a meltdown. That one's got me, maybe it's still coming. I wish I had the formula so I knew how to bring this awakening on sooner next time I'm disabled by despair. Maybe my prayer for hope is being answered. Whatever it is, I'm just gonna go with it and not make too big a deal. Maybe then it will stay. It feels like God just gave me back my wings.

Betrayal

2008-04-20T13:46:00.000-07:00

Had a moment today where I freaked out. A situation really really pissed me off. So I sat down and analyzed it. We've been doing these things called "thought records" in Mindful Mood Management and it has been life-changing for me. It helps me get to the bottom of why I react so strongly to certain situations and to certain events.

Betray: to be unfaithful in guarding, maintaining, or fulfilling; to disappoint the hopes or expectations of; be disloyal to

This particular thought record I did really revealed a lot and it has been a healing couple of hours for me sitting at the computer here. I realized that betrayal is linked very closely to things like my fear of loneliness and why I get so mad when I feel like I have been lied to or deceived. It has to do with why I feel so hurt when my heart has been unguarded by those who should be guarding it. It has to do with why I have such a hard time with disappointment and unmet expectations and why loyalty is such an important thing to me in relationships.

At the end of it all in this "thought record", we are supposed to take the emotions, the thoughts, the emotion mind reaction, and the rational mind reaction and make a wise mind statement. As I was typing it out I realized that my wise mind is how God talks to me. Makes since I guess, He's wise right? So I wrote it in the form of a letter and this is what God gently and lovingly said to me today:

Dear Gina,

You have been betrayed a lot. The people that should have guarded you have not. You have been disappointed and your hopes in people have been shattered. The people closest to you have been disloyal. It’s okay to be afraid — afraid that the closest people to you will betray you. But, realize that you DO have a group of people in your life that have never left your heart unguarded. They have always maintained a fulfilling relationship with you. They have not disappointed you or ever been disloyal to you. And even though it might feel like it, I have never been unfaithful to you either. I am always guarding your heart and I will maintain you and fulfill you as long as you want me to. I will always be loyal to you. I am safe and you can put your hopes and expectations in me. Even if the whole world turns their back on you, you will always have me.

Love,
God

"Shine" by Anna Nalick

2008-04-18T00:25:00.001-07:00

Oh the night makes you a star
And it holds you cold in its arms
You’re the one to whom nobody verses I love you
Unless you say it first
So you lie there holding your breath
And its strange how soon you forget
That you’re like stars
They only show up when it’s dark
Cause they don’t know their worth

And I think you need to stop following misery’s lead
Shine away shine away shine away
Isn’t it time you got over how fragile you are
We’re all waiting
Waiting on your supernova
Cause that’s who you are
And you’ve only begun to shine

There are times when the poets and pornstars align and
You won’t know who to believe in
Well that’s a good time to be leavin’
And the past knocks on your door
And throws stones at your window at 4 in the morning
Well maybe he thinks it’s romantic
He’s crazy but you knew that before

And I think you need to stop following misery’s lead
Shine away Shine away Shine away
Isn’t it time you got over how fragile you are
We’re all waiting
Waiting on your supernova
Cause that’s who you are
And you’ve only begun to shine

Yeah you’ve only begun to shine
Won’t you shine shine shine shine over shadow
Shine shine shine shine over shadow
Shine shine shine shine over

And I think you need to stop following misery’s lead
Shine away Shine away Shine away
Isn’t it time you got over how fragile you are
We’re all waiting
Waiting on your supernova
Cause that’s who you are
And you’ve only begun to shine

Yeah you’ve only begun to shine
Yeah you’ve only begun to shine
Yeah you’ve only begun to shine

The Chicken-Eagle Story

2008-04-17T18:37:00.000-07:00

A naturalist was visiting a farmer one day and was surprised to see a beautiful eagle in the farmer’s chicken coop. "Why in the world, asked the naturalist, have you got this eagle living in with the chickens?"
"Well, answered the farmer, I found him when he was little and raised him in there with the chickens. He doesn’t know any better, he thinks he is a chicken." The naturalist was dumbfounded. The eagle was pecking the grain and drinking from the watering can. The eagle kept his eyes on the ground and strutted around in circles, looking every inch a big, over-sized chicken. "Doesn’t he ever try to spread his wings and fly out of there?" asked the naturalist. "No, said the farmer, and I doubt he ever will, he doesn’t know what it means to fly."
"Well, said the naturalist, "let me take him out and do a few experiments with him." The farmer agrees, but assured the naturalist that he was wasting his time. The naturalist lifted the bird to the top of the chicken coop fence and said "Fly!" He pushed the reluctant bird off the fence and it fell to the ground in a pile of dusty feathers. Next, the undaunted researcher took the ruffled chicken/eagle to the farmer’s hay loft and spread it’s wings before tossing it high in the air with the command "FLY!" The frightened bird shrieked and fell ungraciously to the barn-yard where it resumed pecking the ground in search of it’s dinner. The naturalist again picked up the eagle and decided to give it one more chance in a more appropriate environment, away from the bad examples of chicken lifestyle. He set the docile bird on the front seat of his pickup truck next to him and headed for the highest butte in the country. After a lengthy and sweaty climb to the crest of the butte with the bird tucked under his arm, he spoke gently to the goldenbird. "Friend, he said, you were born to soar. It is better that you die here today on the rocks below than live the rest of your life being a chicken in a pen, gawked at and out of your element." Having said these final words, he lifted the eagle up and once more commanded it to "FLY!" He tossed it out in space and this time, much to his relief, it opened it’s seven-foot wingspan and flew gracefully into the sky. It slowly climbed in ever higher spirals, riding unseen thermals of hot air until it disappeared into the glare of the morning sun. The naturalist smiled and thought how happy he was with his days work. Like the eagle, he had for many years, let other people define his worth and direct his life for him. Like the eagle, it had taken a life and death situation for him to realize his self worth and real calling in life.

Banksy is Genius

2008-04-17T01:41:00.000-07:00

Banksy is brilliant. I am in awe of what he comes up with and the magnitude of the statements he is able to make with simple images. I was searching the internet tonight looking at some more work by this elusive artist. I just love this one:

"In September 2006, the British artist Banksy set the phrase in visual form with an exhibit of a painted elephant in a room in the Barely Legal exhibition in Los Angeles. The theme of the exhibition was global poverty. By painting the elephant in the same bold pattern as the room's wallpaper, Banksy emphasized the phrase's meaning, by both making the elephant even more obvious and by giving those who chose to ignore it (like the woman in the tableau) an opportunity to pretend that it had blended into the wallpaper background."

Buh-Bye 20's

2008-04-15T23:59:00.000-07:00

Well, I only have a few days left of my 20's. I've always been a sucker for new beginnings. I love watching decorating or remodeling shows and I love the part in the movie when everything changes and there is a new start. I'm trying to view my 30's as a new beginning and think positively about what I'm getting into.

I sat with my friend, Katie, tonight as I usually do late at night on her deck talking about life (my favorite part of the day) and reflecting on the positives and negatives of my life. It's made me start thinking about some of the most poignant (I can't believe I just used that word, I'm suck a dork) parts of my 20's and how I've grown over the last 10 years. It's amazing how I've changed. Especially in the last 2 years. I think the biggest and most valuable lesson I've learned has to do with my worth and my identity.

Growing up I didn't have the examples I would've hoped for in a man treating a woman with dignity and honor and respect and gentleness and love and affection. It's something that I've realized has shaped a lot of who I am and a lot of why I've struggled the ways I have. I have been in poor relationships with guys and have let myself be treated with less value than I deserve. I have not stood up for what I've wanted and I've turned inside myself when things have gotten hard (which leads to depression, by the way).

But as I go into my 30's I'm starting to stick up for myself. I'm starting to take charge and change the things that are not okay with me. I'm holding to standards in relationships that are important to me and not settling like I have so many times in the past. I finally realize that it's okay to have regrets. It's okay to wish I would've done things differently. But it's essential that I accept it as it is and press forward. I think that a lot of the growing up I've done in my 20's will make my 30's have more sense. And hopefully the lessons I've learned in my 20's will have prepared me for the dreams I hope to see happen in my 30's.

In my 30's I vow to:

1. Give up the drive I have to prove myself to everyone and enjoy the freedom that I have because God already sees me as the person he is forming me to be. I am His art and He is enjoying the process of creating me and seeing me take shape, always with the picture in His head of who I will be when He's finished with me.

2. Focus on taking care of myself with the goal of giving myself to others (which leads to an honest and genuine interaction), instead of giving myself to others at the cost of taking care of myself (which leads to bitterness and guilt).

3. Stick to my "Must haves, can't stands" list when it comes to dating. And listen to the advice of my friends. They usually know what they're talking about and they see things in people that I want to look past.

4. Push myself to speak up when I am uncomfortable. Be the change I want to see.

5. Focus on living each moment with the awareness that I am surrounded by God like my body is surrounded by the air. He is that near and that involved in my living.

So it's official, I'm a mess

2008-04-09T11:50:00.000-07:00

There are just some days when you feel like you're barely holding on by a thread and you're just waiting for that one thing that's gonna push you over the edge and you're gonna spend the rest of the day crying uncontrollably. Today is one of those days for me. So was yesterday. Which is terribly discouraging because the few days before that were great and hopeful and I thought things were looking up. And then yesterday I woke up and just wanted to cry. I have no idea why I just was on the verge of tears all day. For no reason I could figure out. Then it just made me mad that I felt that way and I cried because I felt like crying and I didn't know why and that made me mad. So it's official, I'm a mess. And all I want is to have a special someone there to hold me and tell me that it's gonna be alright. I'm convinced at this moment that that would make everything better. At least for today.

Depression Diaries: Wise Mind

2008-04-07T10:31:00.002-07:00

WISE MIND

In my Mindful Mood Management, I have been learning skills. Yes, skills. Mindfulness skills. Don’t be jealous. So, I’m going to be learning to “wake up to life moment to moment to moment”. Pretty much I’m being given permission to analyze the hell out of myself, which if you know me, can be quite dangerous and even ridiculous, but oh so fun. It might also bore everyone to death because they aren’t half as fascinated by me as I am. I once dated a guy who couldn’t be with me because I was too analytical. Apparently he didn’t like those thinking type girls. I wasn’t shallow enough for him. Wow, where did I go . . . oh yeah. . . skills. See, I do need to learn how to wake up to life in the moment. So, I already posted a blog about pros and cons. That was the first skill. Here is another one:

Emotional Mind

Emotion Mind is when you are having an emotion and feel like you are in the emotion and being swept away by it—completely identified with it. When we act from Emotion Mind, things tend to be reactive, fast, and usually not too well thought out. The emotion has got you, driving you, sweeping you along. Emotion Mind isn’t good or bad in itself. Sometimes it is good (when we are at a movie or play or wedding) and sometimes it’s bad (when we’re in an argument, or trying to communicate effectively). If an emotional mind guy were to ask me out it would sound something like this, “You are SOOOO cool. I think you are great. We should just go take on the world. We’re going to go spend the day together and live it up. We won’t worry about anything and just have the most fun we possibly can. The sky is the limit. You are AMAZING and I just want to experience life with you. Oh, you want that? Okay I’ll buy it for you. I don’t care how much it costs.”

Reasonable Mind

Reasonable Mind is when your logical self is in control. It tends to be cool, detached. Very dry. Very analytical. No emotion, just a “just the facts” sort of approach. Reasonable Mind also isn’t good or bad in itself. Sometimes it’s useful (when you need to balance a checkbook or at work). There are also some times when it would not be so useful to be in Reasonable Mind, such as at a wedding. You wouldn’t want to spend your entire time at your child’s wedding adding up how much it all cost. So, sometimes it’s useful, but sometimes it gets in the way. If a reasonable mind guy were to ask me out it would sound something like this, “I get off work at 5pm. It will take me 18 minutes to drive to your house from work. So taking possible traffic difficulties into account, I will plan to pick you up at 5:20pm. I have bought movie tickets, but don’t worry, they are refundable if you don’t want to do that. I have also made dinner reservations.”

Wise Mind

Wise Mind is the combination of Emotion Mind and Reasonable Mind. It contains a bit of both. If you are going to make a decision from Wise Mind, you need to check two things: 1) Is what you are going to do something that is in your long-term best interest and, 2) Is it something that you can emotionally buy into? If there is no emotional buy-in, you probably have Reasonable Mind, but not Wise Mind. Wise Mind is in agreement with your long-term goals AND is also something that you can buy into emotionally. It’s a perfect mixture of Emotion and Reason Minds. When buying a car Wise Mind looks at something you can afford and fits your long-term financial goals but also is something that you will enjoy driving. That’s using your Wise Mind.

HOMEWORK: Practicing emotion mind to wise mind shift.

1. Describe a time when your Emotion Mind was in control:
I did not want to get out of bed when my alarm went of this morning (and every morning)

2. What emotions were you feeling? What were the thoughts with the emotion?

dread

I don’t want to face today. I can’t do it. I don’t want to go through another day without enjoying anything and having no hope. I just want to go back to sleep and escape all of this.

shame

I am so undisciplined and lazy. I need to just quit complaining and get up. It doesn’t make sense so why am I doing it? I am a no-good, worthless piece of shit.

indifference

I don’t care what is best and what I should do. I’ll just skip the things I need to do and put it off another day.

3. What does your Reasonable Mind say about the above situation? If you got up just a little earlier, you’d take advantage of more sunshine and you’d have more time to not feel rushed. The sense of accomplishment would feel good to you. Being awake for more of the morning would feel good. You wouldn’t have as many nightmares either. More time for things you enjoy—reading, art, time with Lydia and Caleb and Tommy. Less stress

4. What might Wise Mind say about the above situation? Being depressed is exhausting and it’s important to get enough sleep when youre tired. It’s hard for you to get up in the morning under normal circumstances much less when you’re depressed, so you don’t need to go crazy and get up at 6am. It’s completely understandable to have the feelings that you do—no one wants to face life with no joy or hope. To get better, though, you are going to have to do things that you don’t want to do and you’re going to have to push yourself. It’s almost like you have an addiction. You are stuck in a cycle of acting on your negative feelings and thoughts. As painful as it might be to get out of bed, you have to make yourself, otherwise you will not break this destructive pattern. In the long run, this is going to help you to feel better. Just think of the time you’ll have in your day and the space to breathe and relax. It will be worth it. If you’re tired later in the day (since you’ll have time), you can take a small nap before going to work.

I am motivated by emotion and live in condemnation from reason. I have not had many people in my life who have valued my emotions and instead have thrown reason at me as the answer to everything. I resist using my reasonable mind because it invalidates my feelings and makes me feel stupid for having them. This is the first time in my life when I have realized that there can be a balance.

I view reasonable mind as a threat. It is the answer that my parents gave me when I didn’t want an answer. It’s the answer that will “fix” all the problems. It’s the answer that a friend gives you when you are crying hoping to make things better but it doesn’t. But doing the right thing on the outside doesn’t fix the problem on the inside. Ignoring the feeling that my heart is slowly dying is not a fix, but ultimately has created something more destructive. So the pendulum has swung to the extreme opposite side. I am tired of feeling like I have to stuff my feelings so I can make a reasonable decision. I am tired of becoming angry when someone makes a reasonable suggestion because I feel threatened, thinking that they are trying to tell me my feelings don’t matter. So now I practice my new skill of Wise Mind. Is it better to operate out of reasonable mind or emotional mind? The answer is neither, both, and in the wise words of the great Rob Bell, “Yup”.

Depression Diaries: Pros and Cons

2008-04-07T10:29:00.000-07:00

Pros and Cons

So the first exercise in my Mindful Mood Management class was called "Pros and Cons". And it’s exactly what it sounds like. We wrote down pros and cons of depression and pros and cons of choosing to do something to get better. Here’s what I came up with:

Staying Stuck in the Same Old Thing:
PROS of staying in Depression

It’s comfortable

It’s familiar

It’s safe

There’s no challenge

It takes no extra time/effort

It’s predictable

I won’t "make waves"

I won’t have to change

CONS of staying in Depression
(the price you may have to pay for the pros)

I’d stay stuck in unhappiness

I’d be settling for less than what’s best for my life (one of my most motivating factors)

It’s exhausting being depressed

Deteriorating health

It can spiral and will just get worse

I’m tired of crying

I’m tired of being self-focused

I’m tired of feeling hopeless

I’m tired of not enjoying anything like I used to

I may pass these habits (my ways of thinking and behaving) on to my children

Trying Something New (new behaviors, thoughts, feelings):
PROS of getting help for Depression

It will give me hope

I can be proud of myself

I will learn that change can be positive

Improved self worth

Improved relationships

Increased energy

Increased acceptance of this struggle

Increased appetite/decreased nausea

Energy to focus on others more

Break the cycle/habit of depression in my family

May be able to help others going through the same thing

CONS of getting help for Depression
(the price you may have to pay for the pros)

It’s scary

Fear of failure

Fear of the unknown

Confusion

Awkward

Embarrassing

I may lose relationships

I may not have support from friends or family

I might have to go it alone

No one may understand

Depression Diaries: Definitions

2008-04-07T10:27:00.000-07:00

Depression Defined

People with depression can’t simply "get over it." You can’t will the condition away by trying harder, thinking happy thoughts or smiling more often, any more so than someone with diabetes can. But with appropriate treatment, symptoms can improve. Without making this too dramatic, it’s kind of like being an addict. It’s not something that is going to go away without a lot of hard work and relearning a lot of things. It’s probably something that I will struggle with for the rest of my life and may need medication for. I’ve got to relearn how to respond to everything in my life. Every single day is work and every single day I have to make the choice to get better. It’s hard and I don’t feel like doing it, but I have to protect my life. I have to fight to be "fully alive".

Some symptoms of depression:

-feelings of helplessness/hopelessness

-loss of interest in daily activities (I can count about 5 things right now that make me truly happy, everything else I just don’t care about any more)

-appetite changes (I am nauseous almost all the time and am never hungry)

-sleep changes (I could stay in bed all day, it’s how I escape)

-psychomotor agitation or retardation (I am a lot slower these days)

-loss of energy

-self-loathing

-concentration problems (When I’m not at work, I’ve lost the ability to multitask)

-irritability

Major depression is characterized by a persistent sad mood and/or an inability to experience pleasure. Symptoms are constant and interfere with the ability to lead a productive and enjoyable life.

People suffering from depression often show distorted thinking. This was one of the reasons that I sought help. I could tell that I was not thinking straight. My reasoning was off. My homegroup means the world to me and meeting with this "family" of mine for dinner is the most important time of my week. One week I didn’t want to go see everyone and that is when I knew it had gotten to it’s worst.

Depression Management

Unless the depressed person makes critical life changes, the depression will continue. These changes are both internal and external. Internal changes are usually needed in problem assessment, self-evaluation, the evaluation of others, and the expectations the depressed person has for himself/herself, others and about life. External changes may be needed in problem solving skills, stress management, communication skills, life management skills, and the skills needed to develop and sustain relationships.

Depression Diaries: 1

2008-04-07T10:25:00.000-07:00

Hi, my name is Gina and I struggle with Major Depressive Disorder. From what I can recall, I have struggled with depression on and off since I was in high school. During my teenage years, I suffered from overwhelming nausea and exhaustion. I underwent tests and multiple doctor visits trying to find the cause of these symptoms, to no avail. I remember distinctly telling my doctor that the only thing that made me feel better was to lay down and curl up in the fetal position. Now I know clearly . . .that was depression.

There have been several period of my life when I have gotten to a point where I’ve said, "I don’t want to live anymore." Although I have had suicide plans before, I can honestly say that I have never been serious enough to actually go through with it. I have been on medication at points in my life and spent a year in counseling once and both did wonders for me. I am familiar with depression. I know that I am not always depressed, but I understand what it means to be comfortable with the familiarity of it. Unfortunately, it has come back. Most frustrating of all, it has come at a time in my life where I can honestly say that I’ve never been so happy.

I think my main depression triggers are winter, loss of relationships, loss of control, and feeling like others do not treat me in a way that shows I have value. There were many factors that led to this episode of depression: loss of a relationship that I had put a lot of hope in, a rainy dark winter, not feeling in control with issues concerning my house and the Home Owner’s Association, and not feeling like I had control about issues at work. All the while feeling undervalued by particular people surrounding all of these factors.

As soon as I realized I was having a problem this time I emailed my doctor. I told her briefly of what I had been experiencing and she responded quickly. She told me that there was a prescription for Prozac waiting at the pharmacy and that I needed to call Psychiatry and make an appointment. So I started the pills (I wasn’t convinced I needed any more help than that). I had severe and overwhelming side effects to the Prozac this time. My jaw was tense all the time—I literally could not relax it. This added to the anxiety I was already experiencing. I was never ever, ever tired or hungry. I went from crying ALL the time to not being able to cry about ANYTHING. I was a walking, cynical, numb zombie. I called it my "I-don’t-give-a-shit" medication. Nothing phased me. No emotions. Daily, I weighed my options and tried to figure out if the side effects were worth it. After all, I was finally staying focused and getting life done. I could multitask again and wasn’t wasting time sitting around staring at the walls.

I finally realized that it wasn’t worth it one day when I hadn’t eaten all day and I couldn’t think of one thing that sounded appetizing enough to waste my time on. After much thought, I decided that I could probably drink something from the juice bar at Oliver’s. On my way over I smelled KFC and rerouted my walk. I bought a biscuit, a side of mashed potatoes and gravy, and a side of cole slaw. It took me the next few hours to eat it; one painful little teeny bite at a time. It’s so hard to eat when you have no appetite, on the edge of nausea. It was that night that I realized that I could not afford to not be hungry. I already have a problems eating and taking away my appetite would soon become dangerous. The next day I called and made an appointment with Psychiatry.

I couldn’t stand the lady I was referred to. I had the option of medication and/or counseling with her and/or a 12 week program called Mindful Mood Management. I told her that I wanted to see how far I could get without medication. And I knew that I had no intention of talking to her, so the very next day I went to an orientation for Mindful Mood Management. I’ve decided that this program is important enough to rearrange my life for the next session. The next session started the very next day after that. I had a feeling that I needed to start something right away otherwise I was going to lose motivation and things would get bad again. Luckily I have a very understanding boss who will schedule my work around it.

I’ve realized over the last few weeks (and really, over my entire struggle with depression) that there are many people who do not know much about depression. Many have been misinformed or simply have made their own judgments and come to their own conclusions. So, for the sake of education I’d like to tell you what I know and share what I am learning. I thought that during this 12 week program it might be a good time to write some stuff out that I’m dealing with/discovering/learning. I love answering questions and I love when people care enough to want to know more. So, if you have questions please ask me. I’m more than happy to answer as best as I can.

A note from God

2007-11-28T09:08:00.000-08:00

"You, God, shield me on all sides;
You ground my feet, you lift my head high:
Psalm 3:3

Gina,

Don't be worried. Don't stress out. Don't live in fear. I am here. I will shield you on all sides. I will be your support. I will brace you when you feel like your legs cannot hold you up any longer. You don't have to look side to side, just straight ahead. I've got you covered. I will ground you so you can stand on a firm surface. I will lift your head up high, until your eyes meet mine and you hear me when I say, "I love you, I am proud of you, you are living how I want you to live, you are living a life worthy of what I've called you to, I trust you to make the right decisions." I love you, Gina, and I relish every moment that you are aware of me. I am here, I am close, I am always for you.

I love you,
God

The Good News

2007-10-26T12:46:00.000-07:00

Romans 1:17

“This Good News tells us how God makes us right in his sight. This is accomplished from start to finish by faith. As Scripture say, “It is through faith that a righteous person has life.” NLT

"It's news I'm most proud to proclaim, this extraordinary Message of God's powerful plan to rescue everyone who trusts him, starting with Jews and then right on to everyone else! God's way of putting people right shows up in the acts of faith, confirming what Scripture has said all along: "The person in right standing before God by trusting him really lives." MSG

The Good News:
God is not mad at you.
God sees the you he knows who you can be.
God loves you.
God is not burdened by you.
God is not disinterested in you.

Since we all screw up. . . it is not my place to think that I can fix anyone. I obviously don’t have all of the answers. But the answer I do have—the answer that I am compelled to share—is the Good News. That God is not mad at us. That God loves us. That he does not view us as burdens. That he patiently waits with open arms. That we have been made right in His eyes and he does not see our stains anymore. All we have to do is believe that this is true and run into his arms. We don’t have to worry about our mistakes, our secrets, or our addictions. We don’t have to have it all together. We don’t have to fix anything in our lives before running to him. We can come broken and dirty and with questions. If something needs changing, He will do it in us at the right time. We don’t have to worry about anything. You don't have to worry about anything. We only have to put our energies into staying with Him. There is nothing you have to fix or change before running to God. There is nothing you have to fear losing, He's not trying to take anything away from you. There is nothing you have to resist. He is not going to force you to give anything up or change. He just wants you. The rest will just happen.

So, I’m not going to tell you how to do life, because I don’t know how. I screw up all the time. Even though the vow tattooed on my foot says, “None Live For Themselves”, I am a selfish. I live for myself every day. So, I’m not going to pretend that I have the answers for how to live right, because I don’t. Every day is a new adventure with God, and every day I am faced with new choices. My choices and decisions with inevitably look different than everyone else’s. But, I DO know that I have one answer and I’m not afraid to share it. I am loved. I am adored. I am precious. I am valuable. Just how I am. And so are you. Spread the word. Spread the Good News.

One of my favorite quotes:

“As He lives inside us He promises to transform us from the inside out, but the changing is not our goal—it is a by-product of the adventure. The beauty of this reality is we are released from the obligation to change ourselves. We do not have to pretend to be someone better. We no longer have to find our own way to reach the face of God, or to forgive others, or to escape addiction, loneliness, or lack. The Spirit—the Presence—of God enters the inner being of the Follower and begins to rebuild the heart from the inside out. The rebuilding, healing presence of God reshapes even our motives so we can live and love like we have always imagined. The only discipline the Follower has to commit himself to is the work of remaining in the presence of God and enjoying the relationship. God performs the transformation.” – Ben Paisley

freedom, flight, and the struggle

2007-01-09T10:57:00.000-08:00

A man found a cocoon of an emperor moth. He took it home so that he could watch the moth come out of the cocoon. On the day a small opening appeared, he sat and watched the moth for several hours as the moth struggled to force its body through that little hole.

Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and it could go no farther. It just seemed to be stuck. Then the man, in his kindness, decided to help the moth, so he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The moth then emerged easily.

But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the moth because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time.

Neither happened! In fact, the little moth spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly.

What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the moth to get through the tiny opening were God's way of forcing fluid from the body of the moth into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon. Freedom and flight would only come after the struggle. By depriving the moth of a struggle, he deprived the moth of health.

God, do not answer my prayers too quickly if by doing so, my growth will be stunted or I will be left crippled. Do not answer my prayers yet if I have not learned to love you and learned to love others better during this season of my life.

a brave little flower

2007-01-08T12:14:00.000-08:00

A story is told of a king who went into his garden one morning, and found everything withered and dying. He asked the oak that stood near the gate what the trouble was. He found it was sick of life and determined to die because it was not tall and beautiful like the pine. The pine was all out of heart because it could not bear grapes, like the vine. The vine was going to throw its life away because it could not stand erect and have as fine a fruit as the peach tree. The geranium was fretting because it was not tall and fragrant like the lilac; and so on all through the garden. Coming to a heartsease [viola], he found its bright face lifted and cheery as ever. "Well, heartsease, I'm glad, amidst all this discouragement, to find one brave little flower. You do not seem to be the least disheartened." "No, I am not of much account, but I thought that if you wanted an oak, or a pine, or a peach tree, or a lilac, you would have planted one; but as I knew you wanted a heartease, I am determined to be the best little heartease that I can."

Why is it that I become discouraged when my life looks different than most? Why do I so badly want what other's have? Not to say that one day I will not get married to the man of my dreams and have a family, but have I determined to be the best single 28 year old woman that I can be right now?

God, I have been turning my nose up at this place in my life; like I'm too good to be single, or something. I am so full of pride and so arrogant. I am sorry. I trust you. You know what you're doing with my life. I determine to be the best 28 year old single woman that I can be. If you wanted my life to look any other way, it would. So, thank you for placing me exactly where I need to be right now.

hi my name is gina and I'm a control freak

2006-12-02T23:14:00.000-08:00

I had a mini breakdown in the middle of singing at church this morning. Right there up on stage in front of a bunch of people. I'm supposed to be singing and instead I'm crying. My Pastor, Dan, came up to me later and asked how I was doing and that he had noticed that God and I were having a little moment during worship. I told him that I'm trying to put down the oars and put up my sails. I lifted my hands straight up over my head. I told him that I'm a control freak and it's the hardest thing for me to give up control over certain areas of my life and trust that God will work everything out.

We concluded that everyone is a control freak on some level. If you don't have control over certain parts of your life you are considered psychologically unstable, right? Isn't the ultimate human punishment to have your control taken away--going to prison, becoming a slave, being abused? After all, what is freedom? The right to be in control of your life and your decisions, right?

We're all control freaks. Some people just freak out more than others when they feel like they are not being allowed to call all of the shots. Control is a very personal issue. It's a very touchy subject. It is extremely important to us. One could conclude that voluntarily giving up control is the most significant sacrifice that one can offer.

It's the most difficult thing to allow yourself to rest in the place of unknown; to be still and wait; to wait for clarification or understanding; or to wait until you know that you will have to live with never knowing. So, once again, I sit and wait. And I pray to God that he has mercy on me and answers my prayers.

Dance with me

2006-12-02T23:13:00.000-08:00

Gina,
Focus on me and I'll deal with your future. I'll deal with your worries. I'll deal with all the things that scare you. I am what you need. If you are dancing with me, you will hear me whisper in your ear, and I will lead you. You won't have to ask the question, "which way should I go" or "what decision should I make". It will be easy for you to sense which direction I am going and which direction you should step next because you are so close to me. Just stay close. Close your eyes and lean into me. My arms are around you and I am protecting you. Come, my Love, and dance with me.
--God.

The Eye of God

2006-10-05T22:11:00.000-07:00

Why I think God is amazing

2006-10-05T12:31:00.000-07:00

I've been putting a lot of thought into why my relationship with God is so important to me. It might sound odd, but I haven't put much thought into it in awhile. Just been living on autopilot, I guess. Dating is the stage of life I find myself in right now and I've been trying to figure out how important it is for me to find someone else who also thinks that God is amazing. I sat down this morning and started listing why I think God is worth living for. Or living my life with, I should say. This is what I came up with:

He knows me and loves me more intimately than anyone else could or cares to.
He's trustworthy and understands me.
He's saved me from myself and has healed my broken life more times than I can count.
He cares about me and wants the best for me.
He fills in the gaps when those close to me cannot be everything I need.
He is always safe and will always protect me.
He answers me when I need help and is patient when I think I don't need it.
He'll wait for me to come to him. He pursues me but never pushes himself on me in any way.
He is always completely available to me and as close as my breath.
He sees me as beautiful and valuable and believes that I can do great things.
He sticks around when everyone else leaves.
He comforts. He motivates.
He shows me beauty every single day. He takes my breath away and loves to see me smile.
He has promised the He will never ever leave me and that he will always love me no matter how bad I screw up or how far I try to run away.
He knows what I want but won't give it to me if I'm not ready.
He's proud of me. He's not mad at me.
All he wants is to be close to me and hear me say, "I love you".
He is worth living for, worth giving my heart to. My heart will never be broken by being vulnerable and giving my love to him. My life will never be wasted by living it alongside Him.

Love without agenda

2006-09-12T10:51:00.000-07:00

I was just flipping through my favorite book, Velvet Elvis. I was reading through my favorite parts again and this story is one that I love:

“Imagine an average street in an average city in an average country, if there is such a place. Let’s imagine Person X lives in a house on this street. Next door is a Hindu, and on the other side is a Muslim. Across the street is an atheist, next door to them an agnostic, and next door on the other side, someone from Ohio.

Imagine Person X becomes a Christian. Maybe she reads something or had friends who inspired her to learn more, or maybe she had an addiction and through a recovery movement she surrendered her life to God. However it came to be, she became a follower of Jesus. Let’s say she starts living out Jesus’ teachings, actually taking him seriously that she can become a compelling force for good in the world. She is becoming more generous, more compassionate, more forgiving, more loving. Is she becoming a better or worse neighbor? If we are her neighbors, we’re thrilled about her new faith. We find ourselves more and more grateful for a neighbor like this. We wish more people would be like this.

Let’s make some observations about this street. The good news of Jesus is good news for Person X. It’s good news for Person X’s neighbors. It’s good news for the whole street. It’s good news for people who don’t believe in Jesus. We have to be really clear about this. The good news for Person X is good news for the whole street. And if it is good news for the whole street, then it’s good news for the whole world.

If the gospel isn’t good news for everybody, then it isn’t good news for anybody.

And this is because the most powerful things happen when the church surrenders its desire to convert people and convince them to join. It is when the church gives itself away in radical acts of service and compassion, expecting nothing in return, that the way of Jesus is most vividly put on display. To do this, the church must stop thinking about everybody primarily in categories of in or out, saved or not, believer or nonbeliever. Besides the fact that these terms are offensive to those who are the “un” and “non”, they work against Jesus’ teachings about how we are to treat each other. Jesus commanded us to love our neighbor, and our neighbor can be anybody. We are all created in the image of God, and we are all sacred, valuable creations of God. Everybody matters. To treat people differently based on who believes what is to fail to respect the image of God in everyone. As the book of James says, “God shows no favoritism.” So we don’t either.

Oftentimes the Christian community has sent the message that we love people and build relationships in order to convert them to the Christian faith. So there is an agenda. And when there is an agenda, it isn’t really love, is it? It’s something else. We have to rediscover love, period. Love that loves because it is what Jesus teaches us to do. We have to surrender our agendas. Because some people aren’t going to become Christians like us no matter how hard we push. They just aren’t. And at some point we have to commit them to God, trusting that God loves them more than we ever could. I obviously love to talk to people about Jesus and my faith. I’ll take every opportunity I can get. But I have learned that when I toss out my agenda and simply love as Jesus teaches me to, I often end up learning more about God than I could have imagined.”

If I were to die today and the people in my life could honestly say that I loved without any agenda, my life would be complete. I want to be a person that loves and gives and accepts and forgives. I want to be a friend that is dependable and one that does not pass judgment. I want to be someone who is willing to put my own comforts and desires aside if it means that another person will know that they are loved and valuable. I want my way of following Jesus to be something that encourages others to live their lives in the same way. I want my life to make other people want to be better.

All We Know

2006-09-01T04:10:00.000-07:00

All we know is but a spark,
Rising from the blaze of mystery,
A falling star in the dark,
Descending from a height we cannot see.
In the mists that rise from woodland streams,
The way that we could fly in childhood dreams,
Truth comes in on winds that blow
From beyond the rim of all we know.
I have my doubts about certainty.
It's not all that it's made out to be.
I trust in the things I cannot see,
And reach out for the love that's reaching me,
In mists that rise from woodland streams,
The way that we could fly in childhood dreams.
Truth comes in on winds that blow
From beyond the rim of all we know.
The secret things remain concealed,
But this good news has been revealed
(And that's a gift): the rift is healed.
And there's a treasure hidden in this field,
In mists that rise from woodland streams,
And the way that we could fly in childhood dreams.
Truth comes in on winds that blow
From beyond the rim of all we know.

Taken from The Last Word and the Word After That by Brian McLaren

Burning Bush

2006-08-28T12:16:00.000-07:00

Just recently finished a painting I've been working on for a few months.

Exodus 3:5
"Do not come any closer," God said. "Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy ground."

When God asks me to "take off my sandals" He is asking me to remove anything that stands in the way of me and him. Usually this means getting myself out of the way--my agendas, my worries, my understanding about how life is and how it should be.

Each section of dirt is representative of a place where I have had a "holy ground" moment--meaning that God has caught my attention and I am blown away by his overwhelming presence. This particular section is from Portuguese beach near Bodega Bay. It's one of my favorite places and a spot where I've had more than one experience with God. I plan on continuing to add sections of ground to this painting when I experience God in these unexplicable ways.

This 3D ring passing through a 2D plane will not make sense until you watch the DVD of Rob Bell's speaking tour "Everything's Spiritual". When it's out, I'll let you know. Everyone I've ever met MUST watch it. I just can't do the explanation the same justice that Rob can. Sorry.

My new tattoo

2006-08-25T23:25:00.000-07:00

Dear David

2006-08-16T00:56:00.000-07:00

forgive

you.

"People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;
forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, People may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone can destroy overnight;
build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, there may be jealousy;
be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;
it was never between you and them anyway."

-Mother Theresa

2006-08-02T20:44:00.000-07:00

THE END

2006-07-30T00:01:00.000-07:00

What do I do to ignore them behind me?
Do I follow my instincts blindly?
Do I hide my pride from these bad dreams
And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?
Do I sit here and try to stand it?
Or do I try to catch them red-handed?
Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness,
Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?
Because I can't hold on when I'm stretched so thin
I make the right moves but I'm lost within
I put on my daily façade but then
I just end up getting hurt again
By myself

I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can't rely on myself

I can't hold on
To what I want when I'm stretched so thin
It's all too much to take in
I can't hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in

If I turn my back I'm defenseless
And to go blindly seems senseless
If I hide my pride and let it all go on
Then they'll take from me 'till everything is gone
If I let them go I'll be outdone
But if I try to catch them I'll be outrun
If I'm killed by the questions like a cancer
Then I'll be buried in the silence of the answer

-Linkin Park lyrics from a portion of "By Myself"

Praise for good neighbors

2006-07-12T00:34:00.000-07:00

I have wonderful neighbors, particularly the one who live above my condo. Ann is friendly and cares about me like some of my friends don't even think of. She asked me how I was doing yesterday and voiced concern because she thought that I had lost weight. She wanted to make sure that I was doing okay since my break up. She was also the one who came down to check and make sure I was okay after my dog barked because a friend stopped by to visit late one night. She said, "I heard Tommy bark and wanted to make sure you were safe." She then gave me a big hug and said that I was a great neighbor and that she cared about me so much. She invited me upstairs to cuddle with her in her bed after the drive by shooting at our complex and we talked until I stopped shaking. She is a wonderful caring person and I am so glad that she lives near me. Thank you God for my neighbor. She is an angel protecting me.

Praise for art

2006-07-09T13:48:00.000-07:00

Praise God for art. It is my escape, my relaxation, my espression, and my worship medium. I spent a large portion of the day yesterday painting. I'm working on a very large canvas with acrylics and when I am done it will be my rendition of the burning bush story in the Bible. I cannot wait, but it's so good for me to be enjoying the process of seeing it take shape. I work on it for a couple of hours and then I'll look at it for a week before doing more. It's good practice for me to enjoy the journey. If you'd like, check out my art page by clicking HERE.

Praise for Prophets

2006-07-08T02:03:00.000-07:00

Just got back from Sacramento where I got to see Rob Bell in his Everything is Spiritual Tour. Mind blowing. That man is a genius. If and when this comes out on DVD, everyone MUST WATCH IT. I can't even put into words what it was like. Tonight I praise God for prophets, like Rob Bell. I praise God for crossing my path with another human who can explain to me what no one has been able to explain before. I praise God for sending someone into my life that is really teaching me something and bringing my mind into the Kingdom. These are the phrases that I heard tonight that I will remember and ponder for a long time to come.

In the beginning
Deep poetry
beatifully complicated
precisely created
dials
multi dimensional
it's not either/or, it's "yup"
humans = perfect mix of God and earth
Jesus is beyond our dimensions
climb the mountain and stay
We're not human-doings, we're human beings
Everything starts with the evening and ends with the morning
Be in the moment
You will see what you look for

Praise for Sarcasm

2006-07-06T00:47:00.000-07:00

Someone at work posted this and I thought it was frickin hilarious. I'm definitely sarcastic, so I appreciated this on the deepest level possible. Praise for humor of the sarcastic type.

ZEN SARCASM

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like "The Force". It has a light side and a dark side, and it hold the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Praise for inspirations of love

2006-07-04T22:26:00.000-07:00

(Artist)

patriotic - inspired by love for your country

My definition of patriotic:

inspired by love for the people who live near you.

Are you patriotic?

Praise for stories

2006-07-04T01:03:00.000-07:00

You know, there is truth all around us. I praise God today for showing me a little bit more. I have had this story saved in my favorites list to read, but haven't gotten around to it until just tonight. If you have some time, click HERE to read it. It is one that I will be chewing on for awhile. This part still has my head spinning:

"my husband has a saying that 'if it's true, we wouldn't have to say it'. if we are followers of christ, we would not have to say it, we would not have to go around boasting how great we are. we would not have to tell people how long we have been saved, a church would never have to claim how many people they have impacted, or that they serve the community, they would never have to boast about all of the programs, and how much they are changing lives. it would simply show through the love. we see church after church claiming who they are, what they are about. if it were true, they would not have to say a thing, love would just be there, because there would be nothing to be afraid of. no longer would they have to be afraid of what people thought, or how many people sat in their pews, it would be about the love of christ, rather than the love of themselves."

Hold Me

2006-07-03T00:42:00.000-07:00

I looked for hours on the internet to find a picture to illustrate what I was feeling when I posted my last praise. I never found one, so I drew this today when I had free time at work.

Praise for Being Held

2006-07-02T12:20:00.000-07:00

Praise for being held

after a day filled with

loneliness and rejection;

and falling asleep

in the arms of a God

who loves me more than

anyone else

will ever know how.